In reaction to what he called “total suckage,” President Donald J. Trump, after exiting a private screening of the latest “Star Wars” film, immediately ordered a full scale investigation into the possibility of Russian Hackers artificially manipulating the film’s Rotten Tomatoes rating.
“Take Mueller off that other thing and put him on something important instead,” Trump reportedly told one of his advisors, before turning to an attendant and angrily demanding a free refill of his large popcorn bucket because he “the credits are still going so the movie isn’t over yet.”
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, is the most recent installment in the intergalactic saga, which now spans several generations. It currently enjoys a 92% “fresh” rating on the popular Rotten Tomatoes review aggregation site. It is with this number that the President has taken particular issue.
“It’s a stinker and everybody needs to know that,” the President tweeted, shortly after the screening. A terrible, terrible film. STAY AWAY!” In subsequent tweets he continued his tirade. ‘Wanted action, wanted adventure. Instead got chicks giving orders. And they weren’t even wearing lingerie. Game of thrones is much better. We’re supposed to believe people like this? I smell a womp rat!”
“Is this what people want? Illegals sneaking onto the shores of a casino planet and messing up the lives of important men just trying to celebrate their tax cut revenues? I don’t think so!” He continued. “Star Wars is the greatest tragedy ever written. An emperor overthrown by terrorists and betrayed by his closest associates. Makes you think. Now it is just liberal garbage. #donttrustthetomatoes”
Later in the day, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders made a statement regarding the investigation. “The information on Rotten Tomatoes is sacred. Without their untampered filter, how would we know if we will be as delighted by Pitch Perfect 3 as we were by the previous two, if Justice League can live up to the excitement generated by Batman v. Superman, or if we will find the latest Transformers movie is a worthy successor to the five that came before? But now this bastion of democracy is under assault. Russia, along with Nancy Pelosi, would have us believe that this latest travesty, a tale in which the First Order, who are only protecting their sovereignty in a chaotic galaxy are somehow cast as villains, is a film worth seeing? The President disagrees and he knows that the majority of the country, with the exception of the millions who voted illegally, agree with him.”
“Therefore,” Sanders continued, “the President has given orders this day that Robert Mueller refocus his investigative activities on this egregious assault on our national identity. He has instructed the FBI to immediately allocate all resources not directly linked to the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, to address this Russian collusion with our enemies in the press. I think we can all agree that he has no choice.” Sanders then exited the room to the strains of the Imperial March playing over the PA system.
Later asked if he was aware that Rotten Tomatoes is a review aggregation site and that any hacking or misinformation would actually have to occur simultaneously with all contributors, top presidential advisor Jared Kushner had this to say: “The Russians are very, very good at this stuff. Trust us, we know.”
According to sources within the administration IT team, the current plan for protecting information on the Rotten Tomato servers involves routing all traffic through a new firewall created by the linking together of all the electronic voting machines in the US. “To get at this stuff now,” said an analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, “those Russkies are literally going to have to hack each and every voting machine in the country. Try it, I dare you!”
Other plans involve shutting down the site until after the release of the next Michael Moore documentary.
Even with these extraordinary precautions underway, the President still appears to be fuming over the imaginary support for this latest box office smash. “Can anyone take this seriously?,” he tweeted, “I mean look at this General Hux. What kind of idiot would put an incompetent thin skinned buffoon like him in total charge of the greatest military the galaxy has ever known. #epicfail!”
Follow @GuyFromCNY on Twitter