President Donald J. Trump took to Twitter today to celebrate what his supporters describe as his superior fortitude and unmatched negotiating prowess, after staring down the sun during the eclipse on Monday.
“I stared into the sun and the sun blinked!” Trump tweeted early this morning, “It just couldn’t look me in the eye. So much for all this, so called, solar power! Sad! #CoalRules #MAGA”
He went on to state that, after his easy defeat of the celestial orb, he felt a renewed vigor and enthusiasm for upcoming legislative battles. “If the sun couldn’t face me, what are Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Moanin’ Mitch McConnell gonna do? #CantStopWinning,” he tweeted, and followed it shortly with “Who’s your daddy, sun? If you can’t stand the heat, stay outta my orbit! Winning, that’s my energy policy!”
A total eclipse is a rare celestial event caused by the Moon passing directly in between the Earth and Sun. This darkening of the sun was visible to a large portion of North America for the first time in 99 years. Asked if the President was aware of this event, long ago predicted with pinpoint accuracy by the scientific community, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said “The, so called, total eclipse was nothing more than a conspiracy by liberal scientists and the fake news media, designed to literally throw shade on this Administration. Once again, the President has shown that his is more than equal to this challenge. He stood up, unblinkingly, for the American people and proclaimed, once and for all, that this Administration will not be swayed by Science!”
During a Q and A session at a gathering of top fossil fuel industry executives, EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt was asked for comment on the controversy, which Fox News is already calling “Eclipse Gate.”
“It is patently absurd,” Pruitt said, “This, so called, Scientific consensus would have us believe that the Earth somehow revolves around the sun. when we all know that the Creator placed Donald J. Trump at the center of the universe and everything revolves around him. This is the President’s firm belief and he will not have it any other way. These eclipses come and go but I am here to tell you that, with the help of the products produced by my good friends in the industry, we can arrange to blot out the sun for the whole country, not just some lucky few states. And the President’s environmental policies will do just that.”
On the strength of the President’s comments, stock prices for Solar Energy companies have plummeted, but what effect this will have on other alternative energy offerings is unclear. In the words of one investor, “I am now going to heavily invest in wind power, because this President is certainly full of hot air.”
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