After a self-described “exhaustive investigation,” the House Intelligence Committee Republicans released their preliminary findings in a year long probe into the disputed shape of the planet we all inhabit. Contrary to widely held beliefs and the preponderance of scientific evidence, the committee has determined that the Earth is, in fact, a massive flat disc extending many thousands of miles before abruptly ending at the edge of an endless, unknowable abyss.
“The fact is that there is simply no credible evidence to support this so called ‘spherical earth’ theory,” said Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-Tex.). who oversees the committee’s investigation on terrestrial geometry. “We have seen all the supposed satellite imagery and the alleged photographs from the moon. We have familiarized ourselves with the relevant scientific literature, the stuff without numbers and big words, and we have found it misleading and inconclusive. At best it illustrates a misunderstanding of optics and, at worst, a deliberate intention to mislead.”
“The Democrat party would love for us all to believe that the world goes on forever in some kind of endless circuit and that we should believe in things we can’t see with our own eyes such as this mythical place called ‘Russia’ that they insist is on the other side of this ‘globe.’ But anyone with eyes can see that this is clearly not the case. Next, they’ll be asking us to believe in fairy tales like ‘climate change’ and ‘evolution.'”
“How’s the climate feel to you?” Conaway asked a random reporter. “Pretty damn cold, isn’t it?”
“Um, yes, I guess,” the reporter said.
“I rest my case,” said Conaway, and went on to announce that the eventual report would contain a number of other findings, including that up is down, day is night and there actually are good people on both sides of every argument.
Rep. Adam Schiff the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, had this to say about the report, which was created without Democratic input: “It is increasingly clear that I serve on the most inappropriately named committee in the legislative branch.”
Conaway announced that the full report would be released in two days. “Or, for those scientifically minded among you,” he said, dropping a wink, “two more revolutions of the sun around Donald J. Trump.”
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