Claiming that summer was “way too short,” President Donald J. Trump reportedly refused to leave Air Force One for more than an hour this morning, resisting all attempts to get him to resume his duties , as leader of the free world, for the fall session.
“It’s not fair!” he said, clutching his pencil box in a death grip and refusing to zip up his backpack. “I didn’t hardly get to do anything, all summer long! And it, like, rained the whole entire last week! Nuh-uh, I’m not going back!”
As his team of close associates, led by Presidential daughter Ivanka Trump, gathered round him, Trump continued his litany of complaints. “There’s that rotten Mr. Kelly in homeroom. He’s a meany-pants, always trying to take away my phone. But it’s my phone and I’ll use it if I want!”
Mr. Trump’s complaints were not limited to the confines of the White House, but to the larger Washington D.C. campus. “Then there is that grumpy old turtle Mr. McConnell! Always droning on about some boring old ‘legislative process’ and ‘the constitution.’ Like that even matters. And then, just when I’m starting to relax and watch TV, people are always bothering me with all these budgets and all these science problems.”
“I’ve already told you that we’ve taken care of that, Father,” Ivanka Trump is reported to have said. “There will be absolutely no science in this White House while you are President.”
Ivanka then went on, speaking in a calm and reassuring tone, to remind the most powerful man in the world of all of the fun he had over the Summer break. She reminded him of the relaxing weeks at golf camp, the large and exciting rallys, which were good for his self esteem and all the time he got to spend pursuing his musical endeavors. “I’ve never seen anyone play the dog whistle as well as you. You’ve gotten really good at it! And you will get to go on showing the world your skills, if you’ll just go back.”
“But everyone there hates me!!” the President said, a tear running down his face. “The press are always criticizing me just because I don’t know anything and don’t care about anyone except myself. They just like being mean to me! And then there is that bad old Kim Jong. He keeps taking my lunch money! That makes me so mad! I’m gonna show him some fire and fury!”
“Now that is not a good attitude to have, mister!” Ivanka said, handing the Commander-In-Chief a juice box. “And I am sure that everyone doesn’t hate you.” At this point, Ivanka is reported to have looked up at the circle of advisors, who all refused to make eye contact.
“Why can’t summer last longer?” Mr. Trump wailed plaintively.
“We’re working on that very hard sir,” said EPA administrator Scott Pruitt. “Soon it will be warm the whole year round.”
“I’m not going back and you can’t make me!” The President reportedly said.
According to several sources involved in the conversation, Ivanka then said that her patience was at an end and was considering drastic measures. “Do you want me to call the principal?” she said. “I’m sure Mr. Putin would be very interested to hear why you won’t even go sit at your desk after he worked so hard to get you there.”
Shortly after this exchange, President Trump was seen being led by the ear to a waiting limousine.
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