Citing breach of contract, former press secretary Sean Spicer today filed paperwork requesting the return of his immortal soul from his dark overlords, sources say.
“Certain promises were made to me as conditions of taking the job,” Spicer wrote in a confidential affidavit, leaked to the press this afternoon. “I was to be the center of the White House communications operation. I was to have a prime slot on the television networks, a direct pipeline to the latest, most accurate, disinformation, complete control over messaging, and conveniently located shrubbery for hiding behind when things got difficult. For these privileges, I agreed to give up my integrity, my reputation among my peers and, as is standard practice for this administration, my soul for all eternity. I was, of course, happy to do this.”
“But absolutely crucial to this position,” the affidavit continued, “was my direct relationship with the President and his Satanic handlers. I cherished every moment with that charming, unpredictable little petulant blowhard and expected our camaraderie to extend through the millennia as we burned in the unquenvhable flames of hell together. The President’s appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as my new boss, fundamentally changes that contractual relationship. A man can, after all, only serve one unholy master, and to be asked to do more is outside the scope of my agreement. It is with a heavy heart that I must, therefore, resign my position as press secretary. I may not ever be able to regain my good standing in the journalistic community or indeed ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again, but I believe I can at least reclaim my soul and related properties due to this clear breach of contract.”
The affidavit, which was CC’d to both Satan and Steve Bannon at the same address, was attached to a standard IRF, or Infernal Release Form, prepared at the behest of Spicer’s new attorney, Daniel Webster, esq. If approved, Spicer’s Soul should be returned to him after 40 days.
There is some precedent for members of Republican administrations regaining there souls after leaving their positions, with Former Nixon aide John Dean being perhaps the most prominent, and most legal experts are confident that Spicer will be able to spare himself from eternal damnation.
“It’s not like these contracts are exactly hard to break,” said Ben Shuyster, an attorney with an impressive history of legal action against deities. “Granted there are a lot of top notch attorneys in hell, but they are mostly too distracted to do their best work. This is only the prince of darkness we are dealing with. It’s not like we’re trying to break a Trump prenup, or anything.”
If Spicer is successful in obtaining salvation, others in Washington will be lining up to try their hand at escaping their own eternal endlsvement. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is said already to have prepared his forms. Shuyster, however, feels that Ryan faces a more uphill battle.
“I’m not sure Ryan has much of a case. There is not much protection available when lack of a soul is a pre-existing condition.”
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