Succumbing to conservative pressure over his proposed healthcare legislation, House Speaker Paul Ryan has abandoned the AHCA in favor of a bold new program: The Health Care Lottery.
“I’m proud to say the HCL represents the perfect distillation of conservative principles as they relate to the difficult issue of public health coverage.” Ryan said, after leaving a, behind closed doors, meeting with top Republican lawmakers. “The taxpayers of this country can no longer support the skyrocketing cost of healthcare. It is time for new thinking and new approaches. It’s time, in short, for lottery tickets!”
Under the new plan, Medicaid would be discontinued and expensive tax credits would be repealed in favor of a unique voucher system. Each American citizen above the age of 18 (21 in Arizona) will be issued a voucher good for the purchase of $52 worth of lottery tickets of their choice. The benefit would escalate with age, allowing those 65 and older to claim a maximum of $104 in lottery vouchers per calendar year. The winnings from these tickets would be tax free and are expected, based on Republican projections, to provide amply for the healthcare needs of anyone lucky enough to win.
Ryan’s plan, expected to save more than $500 billion in the first year alone, is already garnering praise from rank and file Republicans. Congressman John Katko, of New York’s 24th district, emerged from hiding today to express his support of the plan. “This revolutionary plan finally gives the American people the choices they deserve in healthcare. They can buy a ticket a week, or all at once. They can buy Lotto or scratch offs of many varieties. Why in New York State alone, there are Lucky 7’s , Triple Triplers, Double Dollars, Spicy 1s and let’s not even get into the premium stuff, like Win For Life. And,” he added, before disappearing into his undisclosed location, “there’s always the Powerball.”
Under Ryan’s new plan, the opportunities for care do not extend to the lottery only. Every physician office and emergency room in the country would be required, at no cost to the taxpayer, to install slot machines in their waiting room areas. According to Ryan “Any patient, with enough patience and enough quarters, can have access to the care they need.” In collaboration with House allies from California, Ryan has already begun sketching out plans for a new game show, tentatively titled “Who wants to get Chemotherapy?” “The ad revenue alone,” says Ryan, “will significantly aid in the reduction of our national debt.”
Asked about the moral implications of promoting gambling, Ryan was particularly direct. “Gambling can, of course, have tragic effects on individuals and families. We do not wish to encourage such behavior. Having said that, however, there is very little downside here. This is a taxpayer funded program. You will be, quite literally, gambling with other people’s money. Like investment bankers.”
When reminded of the seven states in the US, that do not have a lottery, Ryan responded “Under this new legislation, we will allow gambling across state lines. It allows for greater competition and will grant the consumer the opportunity to choose the speculative lifesaving product that works best for them.”
When asked if this new legislation would only introduce more uncertainty into an already uncertain market, Ryan was candid. “Look,” he said, “all that we want to do is give every average American the same chance to succeed in this economy. Currently that chance is about 14 million to one.”
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