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Trump Pardons Cruella De Vil

Praising her for her committment to keeping her community safe and peaceful, President Donald J Trump, today pardoned Cruella De Vil and ordered her immediate release from prison

De Vil was serving time for multiple counts of illegal dog-catching, having snatched up more than a hundred canines on nothing more than suspicion of being strays.  Unable to prove their legal status, due to an inability to speak English, the dogs were imprisoned, under inhumane conditions, forced to do manual labor, and continually threatened with deportation to doggy heaven.

Though a successful prosecution was brought against Miss De Vil and much of the public consider her actions to be reprehensible, President Trump disagrees with the findings.  He believes, he said in a brief statement before the official signing of the pardon, that her activities were not only justified, but noble.

“These mongrels and half breeds were just running through the streets,” the President said,  “and law enforcement was doing nothing.  Nothing!  These mutts…and I’m sure many of them are fine and friendly… but many are not.  Many could be scavengers with rabies threatening to infect our communities and eating the scraps of food that could otherwise be given to a homeless person or a recipient of food stamps.  Miss De Vil recognized the danger, ignored by so many in the fake media, and did something about it.  I respect people who get things done and am thinking about trying it myself.”

Miss De Vil, who was a fashion designer of some note before her legal troubles began, was a generous donor to the Trump campaign in 2016.  Melania Trump was, on many occasions, seen wearing spotted furs, hand designed by Cruella Corp.  Despite this, the President and his surrogates deny any conflict of interest.

The pardon has sparked a great deal of outrage on the left, as might be suspected, but has strong support among the Presidents base.  The pardon has also polled well among cat lovers and the, increasingly politically active, squirrel community.

The President is expected to follow this pardon with a slew of others nearly as controversial.  Chief among these is the Joker, who the President feels is misunderstood, and Darth Vader, who the President claims was only doing his duty in defending the government against Rebel terrorists.

 

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Trump Launches Afghan Troop Surge to Protect U.S. Blanket Manufacturers

At a press conference held this morning, President Donald J. Trump clarified the motivations for his planned troop increase in Afghanistan.  Contrary to his previous assertions casting the escalation as a necessary part of the War on Terror, Trump has now revealed that the action is intended to protect American trade, specifically that of the, long suffering, coverlet industry.

“I kept looking at Afghanistan, I mean really looking and all I could see were these.”  He then produced, from behind the podium, a brightly colored afghan blanket.  “They are flooding the market with these, poorly made, cheap blankets and I mean cheap.  Not good.  So I said, we make blankets here.  We make the greatest blankets.  Really, spectacular, like the ones made by those..uh…,”  the President seemed to struggle for words, “…um…those weirdos with the outdated clothes and the beards and who don’t watch television…”

“Hipsters?” offered one reporter in the crowd.

“Maybe,” said the President, “the point is they make some pretty great quilts and they ought to be able to sell them without dealing with unfair competition from these cheap afghan manufacturers.  So we are going in there to see that these illegal blanket factories are shut down, once and for all, making room for hardworking American corporations to squeeze a little more money out of the system.  That is what I campaigned on, and that is what I am now going to do!”

Asked if he was aware that most blankets, in fact most textiles, were produced in foreign countries such as China, the President retorted, “Fake News!  In China they make China.  That’s why they named the country that!”

The President then unveiled a plan for a multi-tiered aggressive foreign policy approach to the defense of other American industries.  Plans, Trump said,  are currently underway for an invasion of Syria in order to “liberate the little people who live in our iPhones,” as well as preemptive Thanksgiving maneuvers in Turkey.

At this point, the President draped the Afghan over his shoulders and was led, gingerly, away from the podium by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

A reporter in the crowd then shouted out a request for comment on the ongoing Russia investigations.  The President turned back to the crowd and said.  “I’m looking into that, but let me just say that there are very fine people on both sides of the salad dressing debate.”

 

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Trump: “I Stared Into the Sun and the Sun Blinked”

President Donald J. Trump took to Twitter today to celebrate what his supporters describe as his superior fortitude and unmatched negotiating prowess, after staring down the sun during the eclipse on Monday.

“I stared into the sun and the sun blinked!”  Trump tweeted early this morning, “It just couldn’t look me in the eye.  So much for all this, so called, solar power! Sad!  #CoalRules #MAGA”

He went on to state that, after his easy defeat of the celestial orb, he felt a renewed vigor and enthusiasm for upcoming legislative battles.  “If the sun couldn’t face me, what are Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Moanin’ Mitch McConnell gonna do?  #CantStopWinning,” he tweeted, and followed it shortly with “Who’s your daddy, sun?  If you can’t stand the heat, stay outta my orbit! Winning, that’s my energy policy!”

A total eclipse is a rare celestial event caused by the Moon passing directly in between the Earth and Sun.  This darkening of the sun was visible to a large portion of North America for the first time in 99 years.  Asked if the President was aware of this event, long ago predicted with pinpoint accuracy by the scientific community, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said “The, so called, total eclipse was nothing more than a conspiracy by liberal scientists and the fake news media, designed to literally throw shade on this Administration.  Once again, the President has shown that his is more than equal to this challenge.  He stood up, unblinkingly, for the American people and proclaimed, once and for all, that this Administration will not be swayed by Science!”

During a Q and A session at a gathering of top fossil fuel industry executives, EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt was asked for comment on the controversy, which Fox News is already calling “Eclipse Gate.”

“It is patently absurd,” Pruitt said, “This, so called, Scientific consensus would have us believe that the Earth somehow revolves around the sun. when we all know that the Creator placed Donald J. Trump at the center of the universe and everything revolves around him.  This is the President’s firm belief and he will not have it any other way.  These eclipses come and go but I am here to tell you that, with the help of the products produced by my good friends in the industry, we can arrange to blot out the sun for the whole country, not just some lucky few states.  And the President’s environmental policies will do just that.”

On the strength of the President’s comments, stock prices for Solar Energy companies have plummeted, but what effect this will  have on other alternative energy offerings is unclear.  In the words of one investor, “I am now going to heavily invest in wind power, because this President is certainly full of hot air.”

 

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Leaked Transcripts Obtained of Voices in Donald Trump’s Head

Leaked documents, made utilizing the latest NSA technology, have revealed the details of President Donald J. Trump’s conversations with his most trusted advisers.  The documents detail, over a period of several weeks, discussions that have taken place exclusively in the head of the 45th President.

“It’s amazing to see how engaged the President is in these conversations,” said an analyst familiar with the contents of the documents, which were sent to several news outlets, including GuyFromCNY, “I mean, there is this narrative out there that, due to his age, the President might be having difficulties with focus and adapting to changing circumstances.  My analysis of these transcripts soundly refutes that assertion.  In fact I can state that, in terms of creating pure fantasy, the President has all the mental dexterity of an 8 year old.”

The transcripts detail an effusively congratulatory call from Michael Surbaugh, President of the Boy Scouts of America, praising the President’s speech before that organization’s National gathering, as well as a phone call from the President of Mexico, complimenting Trump on his immigration policies.

“I think this proves, once an for all, that those conversations happened exactly as the President related them, just not in the specific sense of reality as the rest of us understand it,” said an anonymous source, speaking from behind a shrubbery.  “Thank God, by the way, that I will no longer have to answer questions like these.  Well, Sanders, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

Also present in the transcripts are a series of conversations with a person that Trump refers both  as “Steve” and as  “Master.”  Experts are, at this time, trying to use contextual clues to identify this person from conversational fragments such as:

Trump: So Steve, uh…Mooch says you are always trying to…you know…um, suck your own…you know…  So…uh..how do you do that?

Steve: It helps not to have tiny hands.  Now tell them to build the damn wall.

As of this writing, however, this mysterious Steve remains unknown.

Other surprising discoveries contained in the transcript include the musical soundtrack which appears to accompany all of the President’s deliberations. The Coasters’ 1959 hit “Charlie Brown”, with its memorable refrain “Why’s everbody always pickin’ on me” appears to be playing, on a loop, with Randy Newman’s “Short People.” Asked about this odd combination of musical influences, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller said, “I’m not going to talk about that. Wait, that actually helps.”  He then scribbled out a few lines in a notebook saying, “What do you think about this?  ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your English speaking engineers yearning to be free.  As long as they are not brown or short or otherwise objectionable.’  Perfect, right?  You better say it is perfect!”

Over the last two weeks the President has, in his mind, signed major legislation repealing and replacing Obamacare, hand built a border wall with Mexico, utterly eliminated Isis, scored an approval rating north of 40% and, most unlikely of all, finally earned the approval of his father. He also went for several exhilarating rides on a red white and blue unicorn named Maga.

One thing is notably absent from these transcripts, however.  Nowhere in this vast trove of information is any indication of meetings with Russian agents or officials.  Asked to explain this surprising discrepancy, one administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “The meetings in the transcripts are all imaginary.  The Russian ties are very, very real.”

 

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Sean Spicer Officially Requests Return of Soul

Citing breach of contract, former press secretary Sean Spicer today filed paperwork requesting the return of his immortal soul from his dark overlords, sources say.

“Certain promises were made to me as conditions of taking the job,” Spicer wrote in a confidential affidavit, leaked to the press this afternoon.  “I was to be the center of the White House communications operation.  I was to have a prime slot on the television networks, a direct pipeline to the latest, most accurate, disinformation, complete control over messaging, and conveniently located shrubbery for hiding behind when things got difficult.  For these privileges, I agreed to give up my integrity, my reputation among my peers and, as is standard practice for this administration, my soul for all eternity.  I was, of course, happy to do this.”

“But absolutely crucial to this position,” the affidavit continued, “was my direct relationship with the President and his Satanic handlers.  I cherished every moment with that charming, unpredictable little petulant blowhard and expected our camaraderie to extend through the millennia as we burned in the unquenvhable flames of hell together. The President’s appointment of Anthony Scaramucci as my new boss, fundamentally changes that contractual relationship.  A man can, after all, only serve one unholy master, and to be asked to do more is outside the scope of my agreement.  It is with a heavy heart that I must, therefore, resign my position as press secretary.  I may not ever be able to regain my good standing in the journalistic community or indeed ever be able to look at myself in the mirror again, but I believe I can at least reclaim my soul and related properties due to this clear breach of contract.”

The affidavit, which was CC’d to both Satan and Steve Bannon at the same address, was attached to a standard IRF, or Infernal Release Form, prepared at the behest of Spicer’s new attorney, Daniel Webster, esq. If approved, Spicer’s Soul should be returned to him after 40 days.

There is some precedent for members of Republican administrations regaining there souls after leaving their positions, with Former Nixon aide John Dean being perhaps the most prominent, and most legal experts are confident that Spicer will be able to spare himself from eternal damnation.

“It’s not like these contracts are exactly hard to break,” said Ben Shuyster, an attorney with an impressive history of legal action against deities. “Granted there are a lot of top notch attorneys in hell, but they are mostly too distracted to do their best work.  This is only the prince of darkness we are dealing with.  It’s not like we’re trying to break a Trump prenup, or anything.”

If Spicer is successful in obtaining salvation, others in Washington will be lining up to try their hand at escaping their own eternal endlsvement.  Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is said already to have prepared his forms.  Shuyster, however, feels that Ryan faces a more uphill battle.

“I’m not sure Ryan has much of a case.  There is not much protection available when lack of a soul is a pre-existing condition.”
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How We Spent Our Summer Vacation

By M.J. Frost (mjfrostbitten@gmail.com)

You may have noticed that several weeks passed between our Trump 4th of July article and this week’s entries. No, thankfully, we hadn’t been dragged away by a rabid pack of “patriotic” vigilantes. “Guy” and I both needed some time away from our keyboards, so we planned and enjoyed a little vacation.

It wasn’t exactly rest and relaxation, though.  I think you’ll agree it was time well spent.  We…

  • Visited the set of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” to find out why Mika Brzezinski still hasn’t paid us for the plastic surgery we performed on her last Christmas.
  • Met with representatives of the Russian government who had promised us damaging intel on The Onion.
  • Attempted to pick up our order of Mesopotamian Cuneiform bathroom tiles from Hobby Lobby.
  • Suffered excessive weight gain as a result of the staggering number of beers consumed while playing “Trump Twitter” drinking game.
  • Attempted to lose the weight with a strict diet of “nothing burgers”
  • Distributed fidget spinners to U.S. Senators for use at their healthcare bill meetings.
  • Lost sleep from drinking too much covfefe
  • Made shadow puppets behind Sean Spicer during White House media briefings.
  • Pranked various Chick-Fil-A restaurants by attempting to order a specialty “Big Cock” sandwich.
  • Ordered several containers of televangelist Jim Bakker’s “Survival Food.” Told him the thousands of Syrian refugees waiting outside his studio are grateful.
  • Stole Ann Coulter’s seat.
  • Tweeted out key lines from the Sermon on the Mount. Waited for Trump fans to call us snowflake socialists.
  • Abandoned our plan to repeal and replace the Trump Administration, declaring we will instead just sit back and “let it fail.”

Whew, that was exhausting! Glad we’re back.

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Breaking News: In a Shocking Breach of Protocol, Republican Lawmakers Do No Evil Today

In a shocking departure from longstanding tradition, Senate and House Republicans have, as of this writing, not committed any evil acts or issued any vile statements since sunrise this morning.  Furthermore, sources close to the leadership have revealed that there is no loathsome activity scheduled for the rest of the day.

This absolutely unprecedented pause in hateful behavior has many of the party rank and file concerned about the future direction of the party and, specifically, their roles in the GOP’s horrid agenda.

“It’s just frustrating,” said one Republican representative, speaking on condition of anonymity, “My day was supposed to begin by submitting a proposal to take food stamps from children, followed by a lunchtime NRA rally at Sandy Hook.  Then I was to cap it off with a night of defending Trump’s tweets on cable news. Then the word came down to “slow things down” and, before you know it, I’m cooling my heels at home, trying to amuse myself with a magnifying glass and some insects..”

Though he remains loyal to the Party’s stated goals of promoting oligarchic fascism at the expense of the welfare of their own voters, this representative says it is often hard for an ambitious politician to follow the, arbitrary and capricious rules of civility sometimes hinted at by leadership.  “I suppose the idea is to keep them guessing,” he said, barely disguising his distaste at the prospect.  “But my voters are expecting a much more direct approach.  How am I supposed to get in front of a primary challenge if I am not allowed to express my truly reprehensible nature in every statement and action?  All this head fakery may be fine for the speaker or for McConnell but if I wanted to masquerade as a reasonable minded defender of common man, only to tragically disappoint them later, I should have just become a Democrat.”  He visibly shuddered at this prospect.  “Let’s hope it never comes to that.”

The lack of offensive vitriol issued from the highest levels of power in Washington, has not gone unnoticed by the public.  Ratings for the Fox News Network have cratered in the absence of inflammatory rhetoric to be echoed by every host and correspondent.  “This is extremely troubling and dangerous to the bottom line,” said Bill Shine, Co-President in charge of programming for the Cable News giant. “If the leadership in Washington doesn’t soon provide us with freshly galling material to parrot, our advertisers will not be happy.  I mean, how are we supposed to fill 24 hours of outrage without some guidance from the Washington bad idea factory?  Are we supposed to make up this stuff ourselves.  I’m sorry, but we are not that clever.  Without some help, we will be forced to do the unthinkable:  Report the news, without any commentary.  And who wants to watch that?”

Though things currently look grim for his noxious agenda, House Speaker Paul Ryan was quick to state that the pause in nefarious activity is only a temporary one.  “Mitch (McConnell) and I just needed to push the pause button for a minute so that we could more carefully align our separate sinister strategies.  After all, it takes more than one hammer to effectively nail the American people.  But, working together, we can be the tools that really ruin the experience of American Democracy.  And I think that is a thing worth doing.”

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell could not, it seems, agree more.  “My esteemed colleague Mr. Ryan clearly has his heart in the wrong place, which is all I can ask,” McConnell said.  “This, temporary pause in pernicious protocol is just what we need to recharge our batteries for our next assault on human decency.  We have a lot of work to do.  It isn’t enough, for instance, merely to kick millions of people off their health insurance.  It is also incumbent on us to make that insurance worse for the people who still have it.  It is not enough to ignore evidence of Russian interference in our electoral system.  We must also tacitly encourage it, so long as it suits our unwholesome needs.  And most importantly, it is not enough to simply support this ignorant man-baby who is our President.  It is our solemn duty to goad him on to even more egregious actions!”

Both Ryan and McConnell are clear that this unexpected respite from ruinous behavior will end almost as quickly as it began.  In a joint statement to the press, they announced that both deliberative bodies will be back in action tomorrow, with a full slate of deplorable policy initiatives.  “If you thought this healthcare plan was evil,” Ryan said, flashing his most winning smile, “Wait till you see what the next one looks like.”

 

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Review: Trump Nation celebrates the 4th of July

By M.J. Frost (mjfrostbitten@gmail.com)

Happy 241st Birthday, America! People of all political, social and economic backgrounds took time July 4 to mark the anniversary of the nation’s formal severance from British imperial rule.

While many Americans attended parades, grilled hot dogs and enjoyed colorful fireworks displays (or perhaps hosted their own), Trump Nation marked its first Independence Day by achieving some of its own firsts.

President Donald Trump forwent the traditional American patriotic songs enjoyed by generations, introducing us instead to a song that celebrates, well, himself. “Make America Great Again” was performed by a Dallas-based church choir.

GuyFromCNY has learned that another Trump-inspired song is in the works for next year. The story is inspired by descendants of former immigrants who are now extending a greeting to incoming and aspiring immigrants. The lyrics are:

“This is our country, not yours.

This is our country, not yours.

Jesus knows we’re right,

‘Cause our Jesus is white.

This is our country not yours.”

Trump nation also staged several events in foreign cities, including London and Paris to celebrate the universal peace achieved since Trump, using his secret 30 day plan, had eliminated Isis some 135 days before the 4th.

Meanwhile, Trump nation took great exception Thursday to what they dismissed as a direct attack on their worshiped president. It was National Public Radio’s annual reading of the Declaration of Independence, which was also tweeted in segments by NPR’s official account.

Trump himself, on Twitter, dismissed the posting of the Declaration of Independence as “fake news,” writing: “Who talks with big words and sentences like that? Losers.”

In other news, Republican supporters on Capitol Hill were reportedly investigating whether the opening line of the U.S. Constitution, “We the People, in order to form a more perfect union,” was possibly a hint of a rumored coup attempt against the U.S. economy by organized labor.

They also noted that the passage referring to “promotion of the general welfare” sounded too socialistic and should be viewed as a direct attack on the Senate healthcare bill.  They recommended the removal of this language from the document, along with that of the troublesome First Amendment, just as soon as Justice Kennedy can be persuaded to retire.

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