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GOP Committee Members Find No Evidence Earth is Round

After a self-described “exhaustive investigation,” the House Intelligence Committee Republicans released their preliminary findings in a year long probe into the disputed shape of the planet we all inhabit.  Contrary to widely held beliefs and the preponderance of scientific evidence, the committee has determined that the Earth is, in fact, a massive flat disc extending many thousands of miles before abruptly ending at the edge of an endless, unknowable abyss.

“The fact is that there is simply no credible evidence to support this so called ‘spherical earth’ theory,” said Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-Tex.). who oversees the committee’s investigation on terrestrial geometry.  “We have seen all the supposed satellite imagery and the alleged photographs from the moon.  We have familiarized ourselves with the relevant scientific literature, the stuff without numbers and big words, and we have found it misleading and inconclusive.  At best it illustrates a misunderstanding of optics and, at worst, a deliberate intention to mislead.”

“The Democrat party would love for us all to believe that the world goes on forever in some kind of endless circuit and that we should believe in things we can’t see with our own eyes such as this mythical place called ‘Russia’ that they insist is on the other side of this ‘globe.’  But anyone with eyes can see that this is clearly not the case.  Next, they’ll be asking us to believe in fairy tales like ‘climate change’ and ‘evolution.'”

“How’s the climate feel to you?” Conaway asked a random reporter.  “Pretty damn cold, isn’t it?”

“Um, yes, I guess,” the reporter said.

“I rest my case,” said Conaway, and went on to announce that the eventual report would contain a number of other findings, including that up is down, day is night and there actually are good people on both sides of every argument.

Rep. Adam Schiff the ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, had this to say about the report, which was created without Democratic input:  “It is increasingly clear that I serve on the most inappropriately named committee in the legislative branch.”

Conaway announced that the full report would be released in two days.  “Or, for those scientifically minded among you,” he said, dropping a wink, “two more revolutions of the sun around Donald J. Trump.”

 

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Marley’s Ghost Emigrates to U.S. to Take Advantage of New Tax Breaks.

Citing helpful provisions of the freshly signed GOP tax legislation, the incorporeal spirit of financier Jacob Marley has announced his intention of moving to the United States.

“I have wandered lo these many years in search of relief, to no avail,” the ethereal spirit said, from within a spectral cloud of cash boxes and heavy chains, “But, at long last, my heavy burdens may be lifted, by the kindness and compassion of Republican lawmakers.”

Marley is referring to a little known provision of the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act of 2017, separately titled as the “Infernal Relief Act.” Under these provisions, the weight and length of Marley’s chains would be immediately and permanently reduced by 18%. Additional provisions will allow the phantom to further reduce his chain burden by 20% or more simply by registering himself and his, wholly separated, lower jaw as individual pass through entities.

“Mr. Marley has long been able to pass through any item of substance except the provisions of his eternal damnation,” said Mr. Marley’s attorney, the ghost of Antonin Scalia, from his offices at the massive law firm, Satan, Scalia and associates. “But, thanks to this timely, judicious and not at all activist legislation, the final veil has been lifted.”

This provision has caused unearthly shades from all over the ethereal plane to flock toward the U.S., a movement lawmakers promise will drive business towards mediums and televangelists throughout the country. Though the provision has proved popular most economists have been unable to explain how the plan offsets the reduction in suffering. Initial analysis suggest that the burden will be shared across spirits who have left the earthly realm as a result of losing health coverage under the tax plan.

Marley explains his decision as one born of necessity and opportunity. “For more than 180 years I have suffered, seeking atonement for my greed and selfishness by trucking the most productive members of society into costly acts of charity. But all this work was to no purpose. In the end, it was only in meeting American politicians that I learned the true power of greed and corruption, and turned my attention to tricking voters into voting Republican.”

“It’s was obvious move, in the end,” said Marley. “Given the choice between being Bob Cratchit and Paul Ryan, I can think of no one who would choose differently. At least no one who matters. So I am going to do my part to make eternity great again!”

One final hurdle remains before Marley’s application for citizenship can be fast tracked. Mr. Marley explained. “They said something about making sure I’m not Muslim. Standards are important, after all.”

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Trump Orders Investigation Into Russian Hacking of “Star Wars” Reviews

In reaction to what he called “total suckage,” President Donald J. Trump, after exiting a private screening of the latest “Star Wars” film,  immediately ordered a full scale investigation into the possibility of Russian Hackers artificially manipulating the film’s Rotten Tomatoes rating.

“Take Mueller off that other thing and put him on something important instead,” Trump reportedly told one of his advisors, before turning to an attendant and angrily demanding a free refill of his large popcorn bucket because he “the credits are still going so the movie isn’t over yet.”

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, is the most recent installment in the intergalactic saga, which now spans several generations.  It currently enjoys a 92% “fresh” rating on the popular Rotten Tomatoes review aggregation site.  It is with this number that the President has taken particular issue.

“It’s a stinker and everybody needs to know that,” the President tweeted, shortly after the screening.  A terrible, terrible film.  STAY AWAY!”  In subsequent tweets he continued his tirade.  ‘Wanted action, wanted adventure.  Instead got chicks giving orders.  And they weren’t even wearing lingerie.  Game of thrones is much better.  We’re supposed to believe people like this?  I smell a womp rat!”

“Is this what people want?  Illegals sneaking onto the shores of a casino planet and messing up the lives of important men just trying to celebrate their tax cut revenues?  I don’t think so!”  He continued. “Star Wars is the greatest tragedy ever written.  An emperor overthrown by terrorists and betrayed by his closest associates.  Makes you think.  Now it is just liberal garbage. #donttrustthetomatoes”

Later in the day, press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders made a statement regarding the investigation.  “The information on Rotten Tomatoes is sacred.  Without their untampered filter, how would we know if we will be as delighted by Pitch Perfect 3 as we were by the previous two, if Justice League can live up to the excitement generated by Batman v. Superman,  or if we will find the latest Transformers movie is a worthy successor to the five that came before?  But now this bastion of democracy is under assault.  Russia, along with Nancy Pelosi, would have us believe that this latest travesty, a tale in which the First Order, who are only protecting their sovereignty in a chaotic galaxy are somehow cast as villains, is a film worth seeing?  The President disagrees and he knows that the majority of the country, with the exception of the millions who voted illegally, agree with him.”

“Therefore,” Sanders continued, “the President has given orders this day that Robert Mueller refocus his investigative activities on this egregious assault on our national identity.  He has instructed the FBI to immediately allocate all resources not directly linked to the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, to address this Russian collusion with our enemies in the press.  I think we can all agree that he has no choice.” Sanders then exited the room to the strains of the Imperial March playing over the PA system.

Later asked if he was aware that Rotten Tomatoes is a review aggregation site and that any hacking or misinformation would actually have to occur simultaneously with all contributors, top presidential advisor Jared Kushner had this to say: “The Russians are very, very good at this stuff.  Trust us, we know.”

According to sources within the administration IT team, the current plan for protecting information on the Rotten Tomato servers involves routing all traffic through a new firewall created by the linking together of all the electronic voting machines in the US.  “To get at this stuff now,” said an analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, “those Russkies are literally going to have to hack each and every voting machine in the country.  Try it, I dare you!”

Other plans involve shutting down the site until after the release of the next Michael Moore documentary.

Even with these extraordinary precautions underway, the President still appears to be fuming over the imaginary support for this latest box office smash.  “Can anyone take this seriously?,” he tweeted, “I mean look at this General Hux.  What kind of idiot would put an incompetent thin skinned buffoon like him in total charge of the greatest military the galaxy has ever known. #epicfail!”

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Trump Expands Parkland Takeback: “Protected To Plazas”

By M.J. Frost

Following his announcement that his administration will sharply reduce the size of two national monuments in Utah, President Donald Trump announced he will expand his public park and monument contraction effort under a new program called “Protected to Plazas.”

“The liberals tried to take away U.S. History by removing Confederate monuments,” ranted Trump in another one of his early morning Twitter tantrums. “I’m turning the tables by taking away nature.”

Trump signed proclamations severely reducing the borders of Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante – both massive areas of land protected through the actions of former presidents Bill Clinton and Barack Obama – by 84 and 50 percent, respectively.

“They’re doing nothing with the land in those preserves. NOTHING,” he tweeted. “It just sits there. What we should be preserving is the profits we can make from these lands. Possibly in the Donald J. Trump foundation’s charitable coffers”

In a follow up tweet, the President unveiled his basic vision.  “Take away the p from preserve, you get reserve.  As in make reservations.  Greatest courses and restaurants in the world.  The greatest!”

The President has proposed redevelopment of the lands to be removed from the monuments. Golf courses, casinos, theme parks and more golf courses were already in the design stages.

“Undeveloped park land is wasted land,” he tweeted. “That’s land that could easily be put on the tax rolls. If there’s a lake, there’s got to be oil in there somewhere.”

Recently discovering Twitter’s expansion of available characters per posting, he unfortunately continued.

“The Democrats want to leave the land, lakes and trees alone because they don’t have any ideas, and they don’t want me to get credit for the redevelopment that will make it huge.”

“Lot of people are telling me this. Lots of people. Spas, not spruces!”

“Drain the swamp! And then drain the lake! #MAGA.”

Trump is said by White House sources to be planning an overhaul of numerous national monuments. Washington Monument, for example, is slated to be reduced by at least two-thirds to eradicate what one anonymous source hinted was a feeling of “envy” by the standing president.

The hands of Lincoln Memorial, meanwhile, are being reconstructed and scaled downward.

There are also plans in the works to re-carve Mount Rushmore into a motif, tentatively titled “The Phases of Trump,” chronicling his evolution as a real estate mogul to failed football owner to reality television host to President of the United States.

He has also reportedly offered to fund the launch of a new monument paying homage to fellow Republicans accused of sexual misconduct. It is said to be a bronze statue of a young girl in comely attire with the working title of “Statutory Sally.”

 

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White House Announces “Trump Day” Holiday Special

By M.J. Frost and Guy From CNY

In a surprise statement today, the White House announced the creation of a new Holiday Special, featuring the President, to be aired over the Thanksgiving weekend.  The special, purportedly written by the President himself, is said to borrow heavily from the legendary, but oft maligned 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, a favorite of the President.

“The Star Wars Holiday Special is, aside from The Apprentice, the greatest show ever produced on television,” Trump stated in an early morning tweet praising the ill-conceived special, which concerned Han Solo’s attempt to get Chewbacca back home in time to celebrate the Wookie Holiday of Life Day,  “But the atheistic and loony left couldn’t stomach a special celebrating life.  So they pulled it.  We’re bringing it back but better.  With me!”

The new special features President Donald J. Trump rushing back from his Asian tour in hopes of celebrating Trump Day, the holiest of holidays, with his family.  But his voyage is not an easy one, as he must use all of his wiles, and a smattering of Presidential pardons, to evade pursuit by the evil Darth Mueller and his Demtroopers in order to make it safely back to his home system of Mar-A-Lagobah.

When he arrives, he finds his family home surrounded by marauding hordes of fake news media and congressional investigators in search of his tax returns.  A timely reunion with his recently estranged copilot, Chewbannon, gives him the inspiration he needs and, with a series of lightning fast tweets, he is able to distract them all and arrive at the back nine undetected.  Trump then learns the true meaning of sacrifice when, in order to protect his family, he must lead the press away and miss the cherished wish ceremony, where children sit in the President’s lap and tell him their most secret wishes.  Unable to attend, but unwilling to deprive his followers of the experience, he sends a coded message to the local shopping mall and manages to dispatch his trusted friend Judge Roy Moore to handle the lap sitting duties.

Both a heartwarming adventure story and a top notch variety show, the special will also feature a holographic performance by Ted Nugent and a disturbingly suggestive VR message from Presidential daughter, Ivanka Trump.

In an action figure-ready animated segment, the special will introduce an exclusive new character as Trump and his trusty robotic sidekick C-3Pence do battle with the nefarious trickster Baron Papadopoulos, a character with the mystical ability to appear at every meeting, register his opinion and then be mysteriously forgotten.

The light hearted special will also feature many moments of comedy including a sequence where the President appears as a multi armed alien tv host who uses his extra limbs to clumsily pop tic tacs and fondle kittens.

The program concludes with a rousing song, performed by the Chief Executive himself.  Sung to the tune of the Star Wars main title theme, “Russia and the Clintons” is expected to be hit among 35% of the population.  It’s lyrics, including such turns of phrase as “Clin-tons, look at the Clin-tons, Look at the Clin-tons, Clintons not me,” are designed to revive feelings of a bygone era rather than the trials an tribulations of today.

At the announcement of this special, in a rare show of goodwill towards the presss, numerous representatives of NBC, CNN, The New York Times and The Washington post were invited to a closed room dinner, where they could watch the special and preview some “really great new defense tech.”

“We were told this was inspired by Star Wars,” said one of the few surviving journalists, after the doors were unlocked, some two hours later, “But it looked more like the face melting scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.”  The reporter, speaking on condition of anonymity, could not suppress a shudder when thinking of his lost colleagues.  “Really, though, they were the lucky ones.  At least they didn’t have to watch the whole thing.”

Another critic, according to an anonymous source, took his extremely rare vintage rocket firing Boba Fett figure and discharged the weapon down his own throat in a bid not to have to watch the entire program.

“Trump Day, A Tremendous Holiday Special” will air this weekend on over 200 stations owned by the Sinclair Broadcast Group, as part of its overall deal with the FCC to spread the “good news” about Trump.  For those vanishingly few not in a market served by Sinclair, recent changes in net neutrality policy will ensure that it is seen by every internet user, unless they pay an additional fee to their internet service provider.

Guy From CNY contributor M.J. Frost has seen the special and describes it as something of a triumph.  “After years and years of sounding the alarm, there is finally definitive proof of a War on Christmas.”

 

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Trump Announces “Bumpstock” Concert for Gun Rights

Hailing it as “Three Days of Pieces and Music,” President Donald J. Trump breathlessly announced his first foray into the world of concert promotion at a rally this afternoon. “Bumpstock” a co production of the National Rifle association and Self Promotion, LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of the Trump Organization, is slated to take place at the end of October.

“It’s gonna be tremendous!” Trump announced in front of a crowd of adoring fans.  “A real chance for gun owners, who don’t get the respect they deserve…and I mean it is sad how these brave, brave Americans are so under siege…to stand up and be heard!  And they will be heard!  Again and again!  Until their extended magazines are all spent!  Oh, and there is gonna be some great music too.  The best, best people ever!”

Trump then clutched an enormous assault rifle in his tiny hands and waved it about energetically, causing chief of staff General John Kelly to dive for cover, pulling several cabinet members down with him.  “Guns are great!” the President said, “I love guns!  And so should you!”  He then pointed to a group of protesters from the Black Lives Matter movement and said, “But not so much you.”

The concert will feature a slate full of genuine C list musicians and will be anchored by performances from Kid Rock and Ted Nugent.  Also slated to appear are Wayne LaPierre and the Silencers and  a novelty act known as Elton Jong, a North Korean artist expected to perform his famous “Little Rocket Man” act.

But perhaps the most exciting development, on the musical front, is the highly anticipated reunion of one of Alt-Right Rock’s most enduring legends.  Conservative darlings Joe McCarthy and Right Wingz are expected to appear on stage for the first time since 2005 to perform a bevy of their greatest hits, including their AM radio smash “And You’ll Know We’re Americans (By Our Guns.).”

The event will not be just a spectacle of stunning entertainment.  It will reportedly be  chock full of activities for gun enthusiasts of all ages.  The selected venue will have a shooting range, curated hunting environment and many carnival style games.  These include a variation on the dart and balloon classic, modified to involve automatic weapons and a game called “Hunt the Liberal” in which a target bearing the likeness of Hillary Clinton navigates an extremely crooked path, across a wide field of fire.

Proceeds from this once in a lifetime event will be split evenly between the presenting organizations. The National Rifle Association is expected to use the money for its many charitable programs, such as Triggers for Tots, the handgun upgrade program and bankrolling the RNC.  The Donald J. Trump Foundation is expected to use the money to provide inspiring artwork for cash strapped golf clubs all around the world.

Tickets for the, just announced, event are already selling briskly, as every Republican in Congress is eager for a front row seat.  Most notable however, are some expected high profile absences from the event.  Missing will be the late Charlton Heston and any sense of morals or responsibility among elected Republican officials.

 

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And They’ll Know We’re Americans (By Our Guns) used by kind permission of A Cast of Thousands.

 

 

 

 

 

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Trump, Upset That Summer Vacation is Over, Refuses to Get Off Air Force One

Claiming that summer was “way too short,” President Donald J. Trump reportedly refused to leave Air Force One for more than an hour this morning, resisting all attempts to get him to resume his duties , as leader of the free world, for the fall session.

“It’s not fair!” he said, clutching his pencil box in a death grip and refusing to zip up his backpack.  “I  didn’t hardly get to do anything, all summer long!  And it, like, rained the whole entire last week!  Nuh-uh, I’m not going back!”

As his team of close associates, led by Presidential daughter Ivanka Trump, gathered round him, Trump continued his litany of complaints.  “There’s that rotten Mr. Kelly in homeroom.  He’s a meany-pants, always trying to take away my phone.  But it’s my phone and I’ll use it if I want!”

Mr. Trump’s complaints were not limited to the confines of the White House, but to the larger Washington D.C. campus.  “Then there is that grumpy old turtle Mr. McConnell! Always droning on about some boring old ‘legislative process’ and ‘the constitution.’  Like that even matters.  And then, just when I’m starting to relax and watch TV, people are always bothering me with all these budgets and all these science problems.”

“I’ve already told you that we’ve taken care of that, Father,” Ivanka Trump is reported to have said. “There will be absolutely no science in this White House while you are President.”

Ivanka then went on, speaking in a calm and reassuring tone, to remind the most powerful man in the world of all of the fun he had over the Summer break.  She reminded him of the relaxing weeks at golf camp, the large and exciting rallys, which were good for his self esteem and all the time he got to spend pursuing his musical endeavors.  “I’ve never seen anyone play the dog whistle as well as you.  You’ve gotten really good at it!  And you will get to go on showing the world your skills, if you’ll just go back.”

“But everyone there hates me!!” the President said, a tear running down his face. “The press are always criticizing me just because I don’t know anything and don’t care about anyone except myself.  They just like being mean to me! And then there is that bad old Kim Jong.  He keeps taking my lunch money!  That makes me so mad!  I’m gonna show him some fire and fury!”

“Now that is not a good attitude to have, mister!”  Ivanka said, handing the Commander-In-Chief a juice box.  “And I am sure that everyone doesn’t hate you.”  At this point, Ivanka is reported to have looked up at the circle of advisors, who all refused to make eye contact.

“Why can’t summer last longer?” Mr. Trump wailed plaintively.

“We’re working on that very hard sir,” said EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.  “Soon it will be warm the whole year round.”

“I’m not going back and you can’t make me!”  The President reportedly said.

According to several sources involved in the conversation, Ivanka then said that her patience was at an end and was considering drastic measures.  “Do you want me to call the principal?” she said.  “I’m sure Mr. Putin would be very interested to hear why you won’t even go sit at your desk after he worked so hard to get you there.”

Shortly after this exchange, President Trump was seen being led by the ear to a waiting limousine.

 

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Trump Pardons Cruella De Vil

Praising her for her committment to keeping her community safe and peaceful, President Donald J Trump, today pardoned Cruella De Vil and ordered her immediate release from prison

De Vil was serving time for multiple counts of illegal dog-catching, having snatched up more than a hundred canines on nothing more than suspicion of being strays.  Unable to prove their legal status, due to an inability to speak English, the dogs were imprisoned, under inhumane conditions, forced to do manual labor, and continually threatened with deportation to doggy heaven.

Though a successful prosecution was brought against Miss De Vil and much of the public consider her actions to be reprehensible, President Trump disagrees with the findings.  He believes, he said in a brief statement before the official signing of the pardon, that her activities were not only justified, but noble.

“These mongrels and half breeds were just running through the streets,” the President said,  “and law enforcement was doing nothing.  Nothing!  These mutts…and I’m sure many of them are fine and friendly… but many are not.  Many could be scavengers with rabies threatening to infect our communities and eating the scraps of food that could otherwise be given to a homeless person or a recipient of food stamps.  Miss De Vil recognized the danger, ignored by so many in the fake media, and did something about it.  I respect people who get things done and am thinking about trying it myself.”

Miss De Vil, who was a fashion designer of some note before her legal troubles began, was a generous donor to the Trump campaign in 2016.  Melania Trump was, on many occasions, seen wearing spotted furs, hand designed by Cruella Corp.  Despite this, the President and his surrogates deny any conflict of interest.

The pardon has sparked a great deal of outrage on the left, as might be suspected, but has strong support among the Presidents base.  The pardon has also polled well among cat lovers and the, increasingly politically active, squirrel community.

The President is expected to follow this pardon with a slew of others nearly as controversial.  Chief among these is the Joker, who the President feels is misunderstood, and Darth Vader, who the President claims was only doing his duty in defending the government against Rebel terrorists.

 

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Trump Launches Afghan Troop Surge to Protect U.S. Blanket Manufacturers

At a press conference held this morning, President Donald J. Trump clarified the motivations for his planned troop increase in Afghanistan.  Contrary to his previous assertions casting the escalation as a necessary part of the War on Terror, Trump has now revealed that the action is intended to protect American trade, specifically that of the, long suffering, coverlet industry.

“I kept looking at Afghanistan, I mean really looking and all I could see were these.”  He then produced, from behind the podium, a brightly colored afghan blanket.  “They are flooding the market with these, poorly made, cheap blankets and I mean cheap.  Not good.  So I said, we make blankets here.  We make the greatest blankets.  Really, spectacular, like the ones made by those..uh…,”  the President seemed to struggle for words, “…um…those weirdos with the outdated clothes and the beards and who don’t watch television…”

“Hipsters?” offered one reporter in the crowd.

“Maybe,” said the President, “the point is they make some pretty great quilts and they ought to be able to sell them without dealing with unfair competition from these cheap afghan manufacturers.  So we are going in there to see that these illegal blanket factories are shut down, once and for all, making room for hardworking American corporations to squeeze a little more money out of the system.  That is what I campaigned on, and that is what I am now going to do!”

Asked if he was aware that most blankets, in fact most textiles, were produced in foreign countries such as China, the President retorted, “Fake News!  In China they make China.  That’s why they named the country that!”

The President then unveiled a plan for a multi-tiered aggressive foreign policy approach to the defense of other American industries.  Plans, Trump said,  are currently underway for an invasion of Syria in order to “liberate the little people who live in our iPhones,” as well as preemptive Thanksgiving maneuvers in Turkey.

At this point, the President draped the Afghan over his shoulders and was led, gingerly, away from the podium by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

A reporter in the crowd then shouted out a request for comment on the ongoing Russia investigations.  The President turned back to the crowd and said.  “I’m looking into that, but let me just say that there are very fine people on both sides of the salad dressing debate.”

 

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