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Trump Pardons Cruella De Vil

Praising her for her committment to keeping her community safe and peaceful, President Donald J Trump, today pardoned Cruella De Vil and ordered her immediate release from prison

De Vil was serving time for multiple counts of illegal dog-catching, having snatched up more than a hundred canines on nothing more than suspicion of being strays.  Unable to prove their legal status, due to an inability to speak English, the dogs were imprisoned, under inhumane conditions, forced to do manual labor, and continually threatened with deportation to doggy heaven.

Though a successful prosecution was brought against Miss De Vil and much of the public consider her actions to be reprehensible, President Trump disagrees with the findings.  He believes, he said in a brief statement before the official signing of the pardon, that her activities were not only justified, but noble.

“These mongrels and half breeds were just running through the streets,” the President said,  “and law enforcement was doing nothing.  Nothing!  These mutts…and I’m sure many of them are fine and friendly… but many are not.  Many could be scavengers with rabies threatening to infect our communities and eating the scraps of food that could otherwise be given to a homeless person or a recipient of food stamps.  Miss De Vil recognized the danger, ignored by so many in the fake media, and did something about it.  I respect people who get things done and am thinking about trying it myself.”

Miss De Vil, who was a fashion designer of some note before her legal troubles began, was a generous donor to the Trump campaign in 2016.  Melania Trump was, on many occasions, seen wearing spotted furs, hand designed by Cruella Corp.  Despite this, the President and his surrogates deny any conflict of interest.

The pardon has sparked a great deal of outrage on the left, as might be suspected, but has strong support among the Presidents base.  The pardon has also polled well among cat lovers and the, increasingly politically active, squirrel community.

The President is expected to follow this pardon with a slew of others nearly as controversial.  Chief among these is the Joker, who the President feels is misunderstood, and Darth Vader, who the President claims was only doing his duty in defending the government against Rebel terrorists.

 

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Trump Launches Afghan Troop Surge to Protect U.S. Blanket Manufacturers

At a press conference held this morning, President Donald J. Trump clarified the motivations for his planned troop increase in Afghanistan.  Contrary to his previous assertions casting the escalation as a necessary part of the War on Terror, Trump has now revealed that the action is intended to protect American trade, specifically that of the, long suffering, coverlet industry.

“I kept looking at Afghanistan, I mean really looking and all I could see were these.”  He then produced, from behind the podium, a brightly colored afghan blanket.  “They are flooding the market with these, poorly made, cheap blankets and I mean cheap.  Not good.  So I said, we make blankets here.  We make the greatest blankets.  Really, spectacular, like the ones made by those..uh…,”  the President seemed to struggle for words, “…um…those weirdos with the outdated clothes and the beards and who don’t watch television…”

“Hipsters?” offered one reporter in the crowd.

“Maybe,” said the President, “the point is they make some pretty great quilts and they ought to be able to sell them without dealing with unfair competition from these cheap afghan manufacturers.  So we are going in there to see that these illegal blanket factories are shut down, once and for all, making room for hardworking American corporations to squeeze a little more money out of the system.  That is what I campaigned on, and that is what I am now going to do!”

Asked if he was aware that most blankets, in fact most textiles, were produced in foreign countries such as China, the President retorted, “Fake News!  In China they make China.  That’s why they named the country that!”

The President then unveiled a plan for a multi-tiered aggressive foreign policy approach to the defense of other American industries.  Plans, Trump said,  are currently underway for an invasion of Syria in order to “liberate the little people who live in our iPhones,” as well as preemptive Thanksgiving maneuvers in Turkey.

At this point, the President draped the Afghan over his shoulders and was led, gingerly, away from the podium by Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

A reporter in the crowd then shouted out a request for comment on the ongoing Russia investigations.  The President turned back to the crowd and said.  “I’m looking into that, but let me just say that there are very fine people on both sides of the salad dressing debate.”

 

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Trump: “I Stared Into the Sun and the Sun Blinked”

President Donald J. Trump took to Twitter today to celebrate what his supporters describe as his superior fortitude and unmatched negotiating prowess, after staring down the sun during the eclipse on Monday.

“I stared into the sun and the sun blinked!”  Trump tweeted early this morning, “It just couldn’t look me in the eye.  So much for all this, so called, solar power! Sad!  #CoalRules #MAGA”

He went on to state that, after his easy defeat of the celestial orb, he felt a renewed vigor and enthusiasm for upcoming legislative battles.  “If the sun couldn’t face me, what are Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Moanin’ Mitch McConnell gonna do?  #CantStopWinning,” he tweeted, and followed it shortly with “Who’s your daddy, sun?  If you can’t stand the heat, stay outta my orbit! Winning, that’s my energy policy!”

A total eclipse is a rare celestial event caused by the Moon passing directly in between the Earth and Sun.  This darkening of the sun was visible to a large portion of North America for the first time in 99 years.  Asked if the President was aware of this event, long ago predicted with pinpoint accuracy by the scientific community, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said “The, so called, total eclipse was nothing more than a conspiracy by liberal scientists and the fake news media, designed to literally throw shade on this Administration.  Once again, the President has shown that his is more than equal to this challenge.  He stood up, unblinkingly, for the American people and proclaimed, once and for all, that this Administration will not be swayed by Science!”

During a Q and A session at a gathering of top fossil fuel industry executives, EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt was asked for comment on the controversy, which Fox News is already calling “Eclipse Gate.”

“It is patently absurd,” Pruitt said, “This, so called, Scientific consensus would have us believe that the Earth somehow revolves around the sun. when we all know that the Creator placed Donald J. Trump at the center of the universe and everything revolves around him.  This is the President’s firm belief and he will not have it any other way.  These eclipses come and go but I am here to tell you that, with the help of the products produced by my good friends in the industry, we can arrange to blot out the sun for the whole country, not just some lucky few states.  And the President’s environmental policies will do just that.”

On the strength of the President’s comments, stock prices for Solar Energy companies have plummeted, but what effect this will  have on other alternative energy offerings is unclear.  In the words of one investor, “I am now going to heavily invest in wind power, because this President is certainly full of hot air.”

 

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Leaked Transcripts Obtained of Voices in Donald Trump’s Head

Leaked documents, made utilizing the latest NSA technology, have revealed the details of President Donald J. Trump’s conversations with his most trusted advisers.  The documents detail, over a period of several weeks, discussions that have taken place exclusively in the head of the 45th President.

“It’s amazing to see how engaged the President is in these conversations,” said an analyst familiar with the contents of the documents, which were sent to several news outlets, including GuyFromCNY, “I mean, there is this narrative out there that, due to his age, the President might be having difficulties with focus and adapting to changing circumstances.  My analysis of these transcripts soundly refutes that assertion.  In fact I can state that, in terms of creating pure fantasy, the President has all the mental dexterity of an 8 year old.”

The transcripts detail an effusively congratulatory call from Michael Surbaugh, President of the Boy Scouts of America, praising the President’s speech before that organization’s National gathering, as well as a phone call from the President of Mexico, complimenting Trump on his immigration policies.

“I think this proves, once an for all, that those conversations happened exactly as the President related them, just not in the specific sense of reality as the rest of us understand it,” said an anonymous source, speaking from behind a shrubbery.  “Thank God, by the way, that I will no longer have to answer questions like these.  Well, Sanders, see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya!”

Also present in the transcripts are a series of conversations with a person that Trump refers both  as “Steve” and as  “Master.”  Experts are, at this time, trying to use contextual clues to identify this person from conversational fragments such as:

Trump: So Steve, uh…Mooch says you are always trying to…you know…um, suck your own…you know…  So…uh..how do you do that?

Steve: It helps not to have tiny hands.  Now tell them to build the damn wall.

As of this writing, however, this mysterious Steve remains unknown.

Other surprising discoveries contained in the transcript include the musical soundtrack which appears to accompany all of the President’s deliberations. The Coasters’ 1959 hit “Charlie Brown”, with its memorable refrain “Why’s everbody always pickin’ on me” appears to be playing, on a loop, with Randy Newman’s “Short People.” Asked about this odd combination of musical influences, senior policy advisor Stephen Miller said, “I’m not going to talk about that. Wait, that actually helps.”  He then scribbled out a few lines in a notebook saying, “What do you think about this?  ‘Give me your tired, your poor, your English speaking engineers yearning to be free.  As long as they are not brown or short or otherwise objectionable.’  Perfect, right?  You better say it is perfect!”

Over the last two weeks the President has, in his mind, signed major legislation repealing and replacing Obamacare, hand built a border wall with Mexico, utterly eliminated Isis, scored an approval rating north of 40% and, most unlikely of all, finally earned the approval of his father. He also went for several exhilarating rides on a red white and blue unicorn named Maga.

One thing is notably absent from these transcripts, however.  Nowhere in this vast trove of information is any indication of meetings with Russian agents or officials.  Asked to explain this surprising discrepancy, one administration official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said, “The meetings in the transcripts are all imaginary.  The Russian ties are very, very real.”

 

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