GuyFromCNY Exclusive: White House Summer Reading List

By M.J. Frost (mjfrostbitten@gmail.com)

In order to mark the beginning of the summer season, the White House this week surprised the press corps by releasing what was identified as a “summer reading list” featuring entries submitted by many members of the Administration, including President Donald Trump, and others with close ties to the White House.

It did not come without controversy, as Trump complained about the timing of the list’s release on Twitter: “The fake news media are calling it the start of summer. Anyone with credibility knows summer begins on Memorial Day weekend…”

He continued: “…when mattresses are in bloom. Just like anyone knows Fall starts in August, when pumpkin spice lattes go on sale. Sad fake science. Disgrace!”

Nonetheless, Trump led the reading list with six entries. Here are the entries submitted, some of which include side notes in parentheses:

President Trump

  • Art of the Deal
  • My smartphone
  • A Penthouse Letter Compendium
  • The transcript of my first cabinet meeting (twice daily)
  • The electoral college map (eleven times daily)
  • Hillary’s Emails

Vice President Pence

  • The Stepford Wives (a how-to guide)
  • The Handmaid’s Tale (also a how-to guide)
  • Text of the 25th Amendment

Chief White House Strategist Steve Bannon

  • Mein Kampf
  • Fahrenheit 451
  • Tips and Tricks of Puppetry

Presidential Advisor Stephen Miller

  • The Constitution and Other Historical Oddities
  • How To Control Your Blood Pressure

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

Gazprom annual report and prospectus

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos

(entry left blank with no explanation)

White House Spokesman Sean Spicer

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Editor’s Note: GuyFromCNY has since learned he may not read it, but instead may simply hide behind it)

EPA Director Scott Pruitt

How To Build an Ark

Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue

Hardee’s menu (note reads “please forward to Betsy for school lunch initiative”)

Secretary of Energy Rick Perry

  • The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Nuclear Energy
  • Gazprom annual report and prospectus
  • I forgot the third thing

First Lady Melania Trump

  • Wuthering Heights (hand-written note included with list reads “one can dream”)
  • How To Break a Prenup, by Ben Shuyster, Esq.

First Daughter Ivanka Trump

IvankaTrump.com summer catalog

White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway

IvankaTrump.com summer catalog

Miscellaneous members of the Trump Cabinet

Federal Witness Protection Agreement

Mitch McConnell Announces Zombiecare Initiative

After weeks of speculation, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell today released details on his, much anticipated, Senate version of the AHCA.  Defying all expectation, the bill will not be an austerity based, budget hawkish, program but will instead rely on a revolutionary new treatment protocol.

“This pill will make all the difference for hundreds of millions of Americans!” McConnell said, holding aloft a small, green tinted, capsule, as he addressed a small gathering from the steps of the Capitol building.  The new drug, produced via a partnership between Bristol-Meyers Squib and the CDC, will, according to McConnell, provide the solution for all known medical problems.

“We asked ourselves, what group of our citizens have the absolute least need for expensive medical care,” McConnell said.  “The answer is, of course, the dead.  But very few people actually wish to be dead.  With this revolutionary treatment, the American people can have the best of both worlds.”

McConnell went on to explain that after only one dose of the drug, known as “Putrifican,” patients would go to sleep, cease all healthcare requiring processes, and awake, three days later.  They will then be able to go on with all of the most important aspects of life such as going to work, texting emojis, and watching reality TV.

“And they will never, repeat, never, need healthcare again!” McConnell said, grinning from ear to ear.  “The savings will be incredible!”

The treatment, which has been in development since late 2010, has already shown astounding results during various testing phases.  McConnell was able to cite many success stories for the protocol, including the voting record of his home state of Kentucky and the continued box office success of the “Transformers” series.

Asked about the tremendous secrecy surrounding the development of this plan, McConnell said, “That’s just good entertainment.  Gotta keep them guessing.”  He allowed himself a small, self-satisfied, chuckle.  “Bet those Democrats never saw this coming.  When they called it ‘Zombiecare’ they just had no idea.”

Asked about the many concerns citizens might have about the quality of life or, more appropriately, death for the hundreds of millions who would undergo this treatment, McConnell was very direct.  “Just put a smartphone in their hands,” he said, ” and I guarantee you that no one will be able to tell the difference.”

Asked for White House comment on the controversial protocol, deputy press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said.  “Brains….Brains….Eat Brains….”

When pressed on the likelihood that the American people would accept this radical solution, McConnell admitted that there might be some resistance, but praised the work of the President in pointing the way forward.  “I admit, the Democrats might take issue with this,” McConnell said, “but the Trump voter will swallow anything we tell them to.”

 

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Commentary: The Uncomplicated Politics of Hate

I’m finding it very hard to be funny lately.  Now I know that some, maybe many, of you will say that I struggle to be funny on any given day, but this is about more than my questionable skills as a satirist.  It’s about coming to that dreaded place where I can’t find a reason to laugh about anything.  That place is a dark place.

Last week, a lone nut gunman opened fire on a congressional baseball practice, seriously wounding one Republican congressman and injuring five other people before he was gunned down by Capitol Police.  This mass shooting, like all the other, depressingly frequent, incidents in recent memory, is a horrifying and hateful act.  But this one comes with the extra baggage of political divisiveness far beyond the usual pro-gun/anti-gun rhetoric.  This appears to have been an assault intentionally targeting Republicans and the unbalanced loon who did it identifies with my side of the great political divide.

The amplified echoes of Paul Ryan and Nancy Pelosi’s joint call for softening of partisanship were still ringing in the air when Republican pundits began blaming the political left for the actions of one, clearly unhinged, individual.  While Representative Scalise lay in critical condition at an area hospital, the echo chamber picked up the signal and, within a few short hours, social media and cable news were spelling out a new narrative.  The terrible events of the morning were now an indictment of liberalism and our supposed penchant to foment hatred and disrespect for our sacred political institutions.  This was all pretty rich coming, as it did, from the party that celebrated birtherism and “2nd Amendment solutions,” but sadly, I fear, effective nonetheless.  With no time for reflection, tragic events were weaponized for political advantage.  This is both shameful and completely unsurprising.  I think it is time to really ask why?

Just a few short weeks ago, a GOP congressional candidate physically assaulted a reporter for having the unmitigated gall to be a reporter.  The candidate was cited by law enforcement for misdemeanor assault and then promptly went on to easily win the election.  There was much outrage on the left, mild censure from the right and, disgracefully, a troubling undercurrent of glee.  Bubbling not that far below the surface was a sense that this reporter got no less than what he deserved, as if a body slam was just desserts for asking a policy question of a man seeking national office.  And I ask again, why?

Or, to put it another way, do we really hate each other as much as it seems? Is that, at long last, the result of the decades of vitriol, delivered, for tremendous profit, around the clock and in every form of media?  Have we, once and for all, passed beyond the realm of honest differences, and into the murky twilight of mutual abhorrence?  Have we, in short, gone from disagreeing with to despising each other?

This shooter’s horrendous actions, while clearly the product of an extremely disturbed mind, were fueled by hatred.  That’s clear.  The assault on the reporter and the resultant response was motivated by hatred as well.  The response to neither of these things has been what it should be in a rational society.  That is the problem I fear far more than the actions of a few rogue elements.  This, now reflexive, urge to go directly to a place of hate may be the greatest danger to our civil society that I have ever known.

The politics of hate are the default setting in Washington and the tinder for the raging dumpster fire that is cable news and social media.  It isn’t hard to see why, when you think about it.  When your livelihood is based on getting the most attention, you are not going to do that by being mild mannered and thoughtful.  And how good are your re-election chances if you preach conciliation and your opponent preaches fire and brimstone to be rained down on the other side of the aisle?  Getting re-elected is, after all, the only thing that matters.  Isn’t it?

Reasoned discourse isn’t good television.  Bomb throwing is, even the rhetorical kind.  You simply can’t have a satisfying drama without the presence of an implacably evil enemy, usually one that must be destroyed at all costs.  In the good old days, such big screen villains were usually hostile foreign powers.  As our screens have gotten smaller, and our attention spans shorter, we have created villains who are no less evil, but much closer to home.  Perhaps right next door.

It’s the worst part of human nature.  We need someone to blame.  It is much simpler to direct our anger at the various uncomfortable circumstances in our lives, towards some person or class of people rather than try to tackle the invisible market forces that are dragging so many of us down.

And so we learn, with much coaxing from our various sources of media, to hate one another.  I guess it is only natural.  Hate can be very satisfying.  It is certainly not complicated and the world is an increasingly complicated place.  To hate is to dehumanize the hated and thus remove all possibility of empathy for their problems. Hate make it alright not to care what happens to them.  But hate is easy, and the problems that face all of us are not.

The dark comfort of hatred is tempting, but it is ultimately futile and dangerous.  In some, extreme, circumstances, hate leads to terrible events but, mostly, it is simply unhelpful.   It may make us feel better, especially when our side of the great hatred divide is transcendent, but ultimately hatred is nothing more than a barrier to progress.  It is why, I believe, our political system no longer functions, essentially, at all.  We have demonized our opponents to such a degree that we have lost all perspective.  You , after all, do not wish to negotiate with those you hate.  You must defeat them utterly.  But in this mad desire to win at all cost, we have forgotten the principal truth behind the idea of good governance.  For change to be real and lasting, everybody has to win a little bit.  Nobody gets exactly what they want, but everybody gets something they can live with.  That’s real progress.  Otherwise it is simply a series of short term victories or losses, doomed to be reversed by the next election cycle or the next. Or it is complete gridlock.  Neither is good for the nation.

I don’t pretend that any of us, except, perhaps, Buddhists and members of the clergy, are above this tendency toward hatred.  In recent months, I have had reason to think about this deeply and to realize how much I am guilty of it.  I truly find the policies pursued by our current breed of Republican politicians to be so truly hateful that it is difficult not to hate those who voted to see those policies enacted.  But, the fact is, I know a lot of those people and they are not, by and large, hateful.  They are, in fact, people who want many of the same things that I do.  I have never, for instance, met a single person who actually felt that anyone should not have access to the healthcare that they need.  I have never met anyone who feels that a single person should ever starve to death in the street.  What they don’t see, however, is a way to tackle those problems in a manner that doesn’t make life harder for them than it already is.  That is certainly something I can understand.  I just wish there were a healthier way to approach these issues than this poisonous system allows.

So I am going to make an effort to hate less.  I won’t stop speaking my mind and I certainly won’t stop satirizing the powerful, at least as soon as I can find something funny again. But I will try not to lose perspective.  I hope others can find it in themselves to do the same.

As for the failings of our political system, that is a question that many people, far smarter than me, can find no solution for.  I would suggest however that, as Americans all, we need to stop rewarding hate.  Seems like a pretty good basic political philosophy.  It’s far easier said than done of course.  The incentives are not in our favor and the only real tools we have are our votes and our attention.  Maybe I’ll click on a few less links that stir up my partisan animosity.  Maybe I’ll click just a little less in general and spend some of that attention time on interacting with other people.  It’s a lot harder to hate someone, once you get to know them a little as a person.

The voting thing is a little more complicated.  Our choices are not always that great.  In fact, they are usually not great.  I’m going to vote against hate in any way that I can.  Maybe, if we collectively find ways to take the hot air out of the system, good candidates will have a chance.  Maybe that is unrealistic, but I’ve had enough of reality for this week.

 

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Comey Tapes Released But No One Able To Find Tape Player

In a shocking turn of events, a tape purporting to be the, much sought after, recordings of private conversations between President Donald J. Trump and former FBI Director James Comey, has been received by a Washington Post journalist.  A team of forensic specialists, audio engineers and legal advisors  stand at the ready to verify and report the, possibly explosive contents, just as soon as anyone can locate a functioning cassette player.

“It’s more than a little frustrating,” said Art T. Andaloof, the rookie reporter who received the anonymous parcel, “We are  in possession of a tape that may the key to the story of the century and no one in the news room has any way of playing it back.”

Andaloof says that they have approached every single staff member at the Post in an attempt to locate a tape deck, Walkman or tape equipped boombox, but to no avail.  “Let’s be honest, half of our reporting staff have never even seen one of these things,” he said.

The tape, which arrived in an enveloped postrmarked 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, was wrapped in one sheet of expensive White House Stationary.  On the paper was a cryptic, handwritten note reading: “Guess this is what everybody is looking for!  Told you I had it all along.  Good luck playing it though.  LOSERS!  #MAGA”  The tape itself is unremarkable, a Realistic 90 minute cassette with what appear to be the words “Hot and Heavy Mix” crossed out and “Talks With Comey, Top Secret” written over them in Sharpie.

“I know it’s a little premature to say, but this feels like the real authentic deal,” said Andaloof.  “I just wish they had updated White House taping system since the Reagan era.  I mean, even if it was on Mini Disc, I probably know a guy who could play it but this 3.8 mm analog stuff belongs in a museum.”

Except that, apparently, no local museum has one that works.  “We though of that,” said Andaloof, “but it appears there was a break in at the Smithsonian recently.  They took nothing but the various cassette players.  Guess these things are pretty rare and popular.  Same thing on ebay.  Looks like some guy named Drumpf has been buying up all the stock.  Looks like vinyl isn’t the only archaic technology about to make a comeback.”  He then added, “I guess hipsters will buy anything.”

At this point, Andaloof has exhausted all the leads he can think of.  “I thought we had a breakthrough when I remembered the cassette deck in my Grandfather’s buick.  I rushed to his place to give it a play but it turns out he’s had the same tape stuck in the player since 1981 and, after two hours of trying, we were unable to pry it out.  Worse than the disappointment is that I had to spend two long hours listening to Oak Ridge Boy’s recording of ‘Elvira.’  Try getting that out of your head, when you are trying to concentrate on Journalism,” he then continued, muttering under his breath “Giddy up, ba-oom papa oom papa mow mow.”

The Post is currently reaching out to other news organizations for help on the technological problem, as well as scouring Both Angie’s and Craig’s respective lists trying to find a qualified repair person for the old, cassette based, answering machine that was located in a supply closet near the reception desk.  Thus far, they have located no one.

In a, possibly related, story, the White House today announced that, despite their firm commitment to bringing back jobs in completely outdated industries they will specifically be doing nothing to restore the, long dormant, magnetic audio tape trade.

Though progress has been slow on this blockbuster story, Andaloof wishes the public to know he has full confidence that the issue will be resolved.  Once we dig up one of the se dinosaurs, we will, at long last, have the real story.” The Washington post, furthermore, recognizing the historic nature of this information, intends to freely share it with all concerned parties.  “We will be distributing copies of the recordings,” Andaloof said, “Just as soon as we can locate a second recorder to dub the audio.”

 

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Trump Appoints Christopher Wray to Head FBI Because He Loved Him in Winnie The Pooh.

President Donald J. Trump has, in recent days, been effusive in his praise for Christopher Wray, his nominee for the top position in the FBI, citing a deep personal connection he felt to the former assistant attorney general because he had seen him in so many fine children’s films over the years.

“When I heard that Christopher Wray was available for this job, I was thrilled!”  Trump told a group of supporters on Wednesday.  “When I looked at him, and remembered the examples of his wisdom and strength, as portrayed in the classic  Winnie the Pooh tales written by, that great American, Walt Disney, I knew there could be no better choice.  I thought to myself, who better to defend this nation against domestic terrorism than a man who, even when he was just a boy, always managed to protect and comfort the inhabitants of the hundred acre woods.  He really knew how to keep the peace.  In all his time, only one Tigger got past the wall and I don’t even need to tell you about the Heffalump profiling program.”

Trump continued, visibly tearing up.  “I will never forget his timeless words ‘we’ll always be friends forever.’  That’s what I want in this job.  A friend, who isn’t mean to me.  A friend who will always be loyal.”

When reminded that was actually speaking about a fictional character named Christopher Robin and not to Christopher Wray, the Yale educated defense attorney and former justice department official, Trump brushed it off.  “I never paid much attention to the part of the cartoon with the words.  I don’t like too many words.  I like my own words.  And this Christopher Wren guy, well Priebus picked him out.”

When asked about the President’s mistake, chief of staff Reince Priebus said, “Oh, bother!!” and locked himself in his office.

Attorney General Jeff Session, when briefed on the misunderstanding said, fretfully, “Oh d-d-dear!” and immediately recused himself.

President Trump said he would meet personally with Wray at Camp David, where they could relax by a private stream and get to know each other over a bit of honey and a game of pooh sticks, before getting on to the serious business of finding Sean Spicer’s missing tail.

 

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Trump Blocks Comey on Facebook

In a misguided effort to prevent his former subordinate’s, possibly explosive, upcoming Senate testimony, President Donald J. Trump has blocked former FBI director James Comey on Facebook, Twitter and all of the President’s subscribed social media platforms.

“Blocked!  Your move, Comey!” Trump tweeted, early this morning.  “Wait, what did you say?  I can’t hear you.  Cause you’re BLOCKED! Now no one is listening.  #toobadsosad”  He followed this a few minutes later with “Always blah blah blah, Russia, blah blah blah obstruction, blah blah blah indictments.  #NoOneCares BLOCKED!”

“This is an great and welcome move by the President,” said Presidential advisor Stephen Miller.  “The President has every right to control the type of information he consumes.  And it is the absolute duty of every American not to tell the President things he doesn’t want to hear.  When certain rogue elements persist in trying to deliver information, this is what they can expect to get.”  He then bit off the head of a live squirrel and stormed away.

Response to this decision has been almost universally praised on the Republican side of the aisle. “This is a brave and innovative approach to avoiding criticism and dissent,” said Rep. John Katko of NY’s 24th congressional district.  “I have instructed my staff to immediately replicate this courageous action by blocking all followers on Facebook and Twitter as well as cancelling all future town halls for the balance of Mr. Trump’s time in office.”

“What this is really about is the free exchange of ideas,” said press secretary Sean Spicer, “the president is against it.  Specifically, he is against Mr. Comey freely exchanging ideas or his so called ‘facts’ with anyone, including the Senate or the FBI.”

Asked whether the President was aware that blocking Comey on social media would not affect anyone else in their ability to hear what the former FBI Director had to say, Spicer quickly looked back over his shoulder and said, “Shhhh!  Don’t tell him that.  He doesn’t need to know that!”  He then looked out at the assembled media.  “Wait, I’m not on TV am I?  I specifically said I don’t want to be on TV!”

Spicer then mimed getting on an elevator and slowly descended behind the podium.  As of this writing, some four hours later, he has not re-emerged.

What remains unclear is why the President took the action of blocking Comey, rather than unfriending him, which would seem the more decisive action.  “He just likes the sound of ‘blocking’ better,” said top advisor Stephen K. Bannon. “Besides, as this Russia business has heated up, the President’s list of friends is getting pretty thin.”

 

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Carly Simon reveals “You’re So Vain” not about Trump, but other song is

It was one of the greatest mysteries in pop culture for decades: who was the inspiration for singer-songwriter Carly Simon’s smash hit “You’re So Vain?”

President Donald Trump released a series of scathing remarks about Simon when she revealed in a recent Rolling Stone interview that as he probably thought the song was about him, she had won the bet.

“Many girls have dreamed I’d be their partner,” Trump tweeted. “I grabbed on to a few of their dreams.

“Carly Simon is a washed-up has-been who won’t reveal it’s me, because she knows after that she’d fade like those clouds in her coffee.”

Simon, through her agent, retorted that she had already confirmed in 2015 that the second verse was about Warren Beatty. She denied allegations that the “apricot scarf” in the first verse was a tribute to  either Trump’s flowing hair or his skin tone.

She also dismissed claims that it was Trump’s horse that won at Saratoga. A check of previous track results show that his horse, “Electoral College,” may have claimed first place but the photo finish suggests it was edged out by “Popular Vote,” a horse owned by Bill & Hillary Clinton.

Remarkably, Simon has offered an olive branch by offering to update and release another significant hit from her catalog in honor of the President. The updated single, “Nobody ‘Duhs’ It Better,” is scheduled for release in early July.
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Lorax Detained by Secret Service After Appearing on White House Lawn

White House security was on high alert today as a mysterious orange creature with floppy hair suddenly appeared outside the oval office and demanded to see the President.

Secret service were initially confused as to the proper course of action towards the cartoonish figure, who was found wandering the grounds and ranting about the Paris Climate Accord.

“At first we thought it was just the President having another one of his senior moments,” said a Secret Service agent involved with the encounter, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “From a distance, they look kind of similar actually.  But when we cuffed the suspect it became immediately apparent that the intruder’s hands were much too large to be those of the President and we immediately detained him for questioning.”

The interloper, who identified himself only as “The Lorax” appears to have had environmental issues on his mind when he appeared, with a popping sound, directly outside the President’s office.  He was heard to say that he spoke for the trees,” and also the beasts and the skies and the seas.”

“He kept ranting about the President’s environmental policies,” our source said.  “I frankly didn’t know there were so many colorful rhymes for ‘carbon emissions'”

Under questioning by the Secret Service, the Lorax would only repeat what he said was his personal message to the President.  “Shame on you sir, for there is nothing noble,  in selling our future off to Exxon/Mobil.”

Asked to comment on the incident, senior Presidential advisor Kellyane Conway would only say that the incident was “Typical liberal hysteria.”  She then encouraged people to check out the new Thneed collection on IvankaTrump.com.  “I think you’ll agree that Thneeds are something everyone needs. So you should definitely buy a bunch,” she said.

Press secretary Sean Spicer, had this to offer on the controversy.  “I, and I think I can speak for the President here as well, have only the greatest respect for trees and foliage of all kinds, without which I would have no place to hide when being asked difficult questions.”

The President was somewhat less conciliatory in his response to the incident.  “Don’t cry to me, with your eyes scrunched and squiggly,” he tweeted, “we’re growing our factories, growing them BIGLY!”

 

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