Flynn Seeking Immunity From Measles

In a correction, issued today, coucil for former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn clarified the General’s, highly publicized, immunity request. Flynn was, according to council, simply seeking preventative medical treatment against common diseases, most specifically, measles.

Robert Kelner, attorney for Flynn, explained “The General’s comments have been taken out of context  to suggest that he was, in some way, violating the law and pursuing protection. This could not be further from the truth.  The simple fact is that my client has just been informed by his physician that he requires an MMR booster and, since his resignation, he has lost access to his, taxpayer funded, medical insurance program and he is, therefore, seeking assistance in obtaining this.”

The MMR vaccine, which protects against measles, mumps and rubella, is generally administered in childhood.  When asked why Flynn would need such treatment at this stage of his life, Kelner responded. “It is merely a precautionary measure.  As you may know, cases of measles have been on the rise in Russia and, owing to my client’s frequent and close associations with so many Russian citizens,  his physician felt it best to take a better safe than sorry approach.  The General is currently without insurance and as these health risks were undertaken entirely at the behest of the current President, we feel it only right that the government offer assistance in this matter.”  He then added, with the faintest hint of a wink, “Measles are, of course, our chief concern but we would be open to any and all other offers of immunity the government might wish to extend.  He’s probably going to need them.”

When reminded of Flynn’s  2016 remarks, in which he drew an association with immunity requests and clear guilt, Kelner consulted his associates and then replied “General Flynn will also be requesting a tetanus shot after having been hoist with his own Petard. Petards are notoriously rusty after all.”

Asked about the charges that Flynn, while working on the Trump campaign, was paid more than $500,000 for work on behalf of the government of Turkey, Kelner was quick to respond.  “This is another mischaracterization.  My client is a committed and principled vegetarian.  His Turkey advocacy is a result of his feeling that our Thanksgiving practices are barbaric.  He may have been misled in some to the details. End of story.”

When asked what Flynn plans to do if his immunization request is rejected, Kelner said, “Thank God they didn’t repeal Obamacare.  This situation would be a complete disaster without that to fall back on.”

 

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Trump to Nunes: “Intelligence is Overrated”

In a closed door meeting with Rep. Devin Nunes and several other assistants, sources confirm that President Donald J. Trump vented his frustrations with the intelligence community and their ongoing probe into possible Russian collusion with his election campaign.

“These intelligence people think they know everything.”  the President stated, “Well they don’t!  Intelligence is overrated!”

Nunes, the chair of the House Intelligence Committee and, as previously reported, a fair and impartial arbiter of the facts, appears to have taken the President’s words to heart. Immediately after the meeting, Nunes called a halt to all further investigations and advised the committee that, until further notice, no decisions will be made based on intelligence.  He then gave a, hastily assembled, press conference announcing his plans to re-brand his task force as the “House Surety Committee.”

“I think you will agree” Nunes said, “that this name change now more accurately reflects the direction this committee will be taking, under my guidance.  The President assured me today,” he continued, revealing further details of his private conversation, “that it has always been his policy never to overestimate American Intelligence.  I think truer words have never been spoken.”

Emboldened by positive response on Capitol Hill, the President decided to go public with his pronouncement. “Intelligence is overrated!” he tweeted, “These people see things but Just. Don’t. Get. It.”

His words were immediately embraced by his supporters. Republicans in congress, who have long railed against the obtrusiveness of intelligence into peoples lives, celebrated the message.  Fox News immediately redoubled their efforts in their, long running and extremely successful, “War On Intelligence” campaign.  The Trump campaign immediately began issuing products bearing the 2020 campaign slogan:

Others were not so pleased at the President’s pronouncement.  Senator Bernie Sanders, of Vermont said, “I believe that those possessing intelligence should be treated more seriously in this country. Certainly more so than they were during the last campaign.”

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, reached for comment shortly after the President’s “Intelligence is overrated!” tweet, seemed somewhat despondent.  “While I, as always, agree with the President, I now face the difficult task of finding a replacement slogan for the Department of Education.”

 

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Nunes Recuses Everyone Else From House Investigation

In an unexpected turn of events, House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes today announced that he was recusing every other person involved in the House investigation of the Trump campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia.

“I have come to the conclusion that the only way to be sure of a fair and impartial evaluation of the facts of this case is to be sure that the facts of the case are impartially and fairly evaluated.  I am famous, among anyone I’ve ever bothered to ask, for my impartiality, and, if I do say so myself, I am the fairest in the land.  Therefore it only makes sense that I should run this investigation according to my standards of fairness.”

Nunes decision was a surprising one, coming, as it does, at a time when he is under intense scrutiny for his handling of the investigation. Critics  have called for his recusal, citing his close ties to the Trump campaign.  Nunes was quick to dismiss such talk  “They’ve got it all wrong.” He said. “Who better to investigate these allegations than a person who already knows exactly what went on during that campaign?”

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan was quick to praise Nunes decision.  “This is clearly the most efficient way to resolve these serious matters.  With Nunes’ fair and impartial guidance, we will quickly come to the right conclusion, at which time we can move on to the big, important issues, like restricting what bathrooms people can use.  Oh, and getting rid of food stamps and Medicare, those sorts of things.”

Nunes states that, under his singular leadership, we can expect a speedy resolution to this controversy , a possibility that would not exist under a different approach.  “Other voices will simply muddy the waters and other delaying factors, such as witness testimony, or the presenting of evidence, will only mire us in hopeless red tape.  What we need now is clear and decisive action to uncover the truth, which is whatever the President tells us it is.  And he is famous for his grasp of the truth.”

 

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Trump To Intel Committee: Investigate Family From “The Americans”

Frustrated by continued scrutiny of his campaign’s dealings with Russia, and unable to divert investigators attention to alleged Clinton scandals, President Donald J. Trump focused today on a far more insidious threat.  He directed the attention of the House Intelligence Committee to the “very real” Russian ties of Phillip and Elizabeth Jennings, the protagonists of the FX series “The Americans.”

“Why isn’t the committee investigating the Jennings?  Phillip and Elizabeth have very real ties to Russia!  Trump Russia story a hoax!” the President tweeted this morning. In a follow up tweet, he said “Every week, I learn something new about their organization, yet NOTHING DONE!  Committee instead chases Trump fiction!”

The Americans is a television series, set 30 years in the past, about Russian sleeper agents, living in suburban Washington, D.C.  Neither the fictional nature of the series, nor the distance in time has deterred top government officials from responding to the President’s call for action. Attorney General Jeff Sessions immediately dispatched a cadre of FBI agents to DuPont circle to examine each and every record from the Jennings’ imaginary travel agency. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, immediately proposed legislation cutting funds to both Medicaid and Welfare programs “until such time as all undocumented workers can be vetted to determine what ties, if any, they have with the, now defunct, U.S.S.R.”

Approached for comment on these latest allegations, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, said “Well, It’s at least as credible as any other story he has given us.”

Devin Nunes, chair of the Intelligence Committee, said that he found these revelations to be “the most troubling I have yet heard.”  He then vowed to throw all committee resources into the Jennings investigation as well as a parallel Russia probe, the top secret details of which he was just made aware of, known only by the code name “Moose and Squirrel.”

 

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Trump Blames AHCA Failure on Illegal Immigrants in Congress

Claiming access to “the best information,” President Donald J. Trump today announced his findings in the ongoing internal investigation into the sabotage of the American Healthcare Act.  After several hours of exhaustive channel surfing and feverish consultation with his closest advisers, Trump and his team reached a shocking conclusion. The failure of the bill can be blamed entirely on illegal immigrants who have infiltrated the U.S. House of Representatives.

In a series of early morning tweets, the President described receiving ultra secret intelligence reports of at least 36 undocumented immigrants having deceived their way into positions of prominence in the, self proclaimed, “Freedom Caucus.”  These, “Bad Hombres”, the President claims, were escorted across the border by former President Obama, who then utilized his extraordinary influence with red state voters to install these sleeper agents in a place where they could best obstruct Trump’s legislative agenda.

Upon receiving this intelligence from the White House, Devin Nunes, chair of the House Intelligence Committee, held a press conference detailing much of the President’s, top secret information.  He then pledged to put all other matters on hold until these “troubling” claims could be thoroughly investigated.

When asked about the revelations, press secretary Sean Spicer said “Look, it is very simple to understand.  The so called Freedom Caucus, who swept into office during the wave election of 2010 and have almost singlehandedly blocked every significant part of President Obama’s second term agenda, are clearly liberal plants with the sole mission of disrupting Donald Trump’s attempts at conservative reform. If this were not the case, one would be forced to conclude that nothing this group ever did made any sense  at all.”

Trump’s forceful stance on the AHCA debacle has already been warmly embraced by many in the Republican Party. Rep. John Katko, of New York’s 24th congressional district, briefly poked his head out of his bunker in order to sing his praises of the new President.

“I think what people respond to with this President,”  Katko said, blinking fiercely against the sudden sunlight, “Is his decisiveness. Many Presidents would have been inclined to wait for further information before pointing fingers. But Donald Trump had the courage to begin assigning blame immediately when he came out forcefully against Democratic obstruction of a bill they did not have the opportunity to vote on.  As events unfolded, he had the strength of character to change direction completely and blame first Paul Ryan and then the Freedom Caucus, who are truly at fault.”

When informed of the President’s latest statement regarding undocumented immigrants co-opting the lower house of our bicameral legislature, Katko said.  “Wait!  He said what?”  Then, detecting the approach of a possible voter, Katko plunged back through the hatch and slammed the armored door shut, shouting “Nothing to see here!”

Though it has only been days since the humiliating, repudiation of his first signature legislation, Trump describes himself as content, and ready to move on to the next piece of his agenda, the elimination of educational television from the public purse. He said of his upcoming showdown with the Children’s Television Network, “Bring it on! I’m the big bird in this town! The biggest!”

 

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Unable to Secure Park Place, Trump Raids Community Chest

Despite his legendary negotiating prowess, President Donald J. Trump was unable to close a deal that would have allowed him exclusive development rights in the coveted Boardwalk/Park place corridor.

The deal, against which the President had staked much of his dwindling capital, was reportedly moments from completion when the title holders suddenly increased their demands and threatened to withhold support for his ambitious plans.

Trump immediately went into negotiating mode. He quickly surrendered control of his utilities, the loss of which would prove to have devastating and perhaps life threatening effects on his tenants. Undeterred by this, Trump plunged, with reckless abandon, into deal mode. He next gave away his interests in the railroad system, arguing that public transportation is an unnecessary luxury. As a final gambit, he bargained away most of his real estate holdings around the low rent district of Connecticut and Vermont avenues, which he described as “too liberal” for his taste.

But in the end, the parties were unable to come to an agreement around the sensitive subject of free parking rules, and Trump, who had thought he was holding all the cards, found himself struggling to make it to the next pay day.

Trump’s reaction was swift and fierce. He kicked over the game board and announced he was quitting. He would not play again until he could amend the rules to his liking. His new target was the community chest, the rules of which he found far too arcane and socialistic. “What kind of prize is $75 bucks for a beauty contest?” he was heard to rant. He stated that he was going to change the reward structure so that all fees collected would be used to improve the properties in the exclusive Marvin Gardens area. He then vowed to elimate the income tax square entirely and to repeal the luxury tax and replace it with a voucher system. He then proposed raiding the remaining bank assets to begin building a wall around the, overly brown, Baltic avenue neighborhood.

At the end, even these changes proved unsatisfactory, and the President announced he was walking away from the table forever.  It seems unlikely, however, that he will long be able to resist the urge to again roll the dice on the future of the American people.

 

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Federal Smoke and Mirrors Budget Doubled

The recent Federal budget, proposed by President Donald J. Trump, contains a provision that would, by 2018, double the existing allocation for Smoke and Mirrors.  This represents the largest single increase in this federal program since the second year of the George W. Bush administration.

Since first enacted in 1968, the Smoke and Mirrors program has been one of the four pillars of the Federal budget.  Along with Defense, Social Security and Medicare, the highly successful program represents the lion’s share of all Federal tax dollars spent annually and is, some would argue, the guiding principal behind most functions of our government.  With this in mind, perhaps,  the President’s budget would make steep cuts to the Medicare program and reassign much of these savings to the expansion of the Smoke and Mirrors program.

Mick Mulvaney, director of the Office of Management and Budget, recently explained these decisions.  “We can no longer afford to spend money on programs that do not yield results.  Despite the outrageous amounts of money spent on Medicare, people continue to get sick. This, I think, by any metric you care to measure constitutes a failed program.  Smoke and Mirrors, conversely, has been, and continues to be, a tremendous success. You need look no further than the results of the last election to see this.”

The President’s budget plan has received much criticism for its draconian cuts to social programs, such as Meals on Wheels, but this major increase has gone largely unremarked on by the media. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an analyst for the Wall Street Journal said  “Of course we noticed the increase. It’s the largest single increase of any federal program…excuse me a second.” He said, investigating a buzzing alert on his phone.  “Look,” he said, “the President just tweeted something about SnoopDogg!”

Asked for comment on the increase, press secretary Sean Spicer said “This represents nothing more than the President doing exactly what the American People hired him to do, and it is what he does better than anyone else.  And furthermore,” he added, as he edged away from the podium, “were you aware that former President Obama personally tapped the phones at Trump tower?”

As of this writing, it is unclear whether this provision of the President’s budget will be made law.  It is important to note, however, that I just found out about this site where you can make a kitten punch the president.  Apparently Trump threatened to sue…wait, where was I?

 

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Ryan Announces Revolutionary New Health Lottery Plan

Succumbing to conservative pressure over  his proposed healthcare legislation, House Speaker Paul Ryan has abandoned the AHCA in favor of a bold new program: The Health Care Lottery.

“I’m proud to say the HCL represents the perfect distillation of conservative principles as they relate to the difficult issue of public health coverage.”  Ryan said, after leaving a, behind closed doors, meeting with top Republican lawmakers.  “The taxpayers of this country can no longer support the skyrocketing cost of healthcare.  It is time for new thinking and new approaches.  It’s time, in short, for lottery tickets!”

Under the new plan, Medicaid would be discontinued and expensive tax credits would be repealed in favor of a unique voucher system. Each American citizen above the age of 18 (21 in Arizona) will be issued a voucher good for the purchase of $52 worth of lottery tickets of their choice. The benefit would escalate with age, allowing those 65 and older to claim a maximum of $104 in lottery vouchers per calendar year. The winnings from these tickets would be tax free and are expected, based on Republican projections, to provide amply for the healthcare needs of anyone lucky enough to win.

Ryan’s plan, expected to save more than $500 billion in the first year alone, is already garnering praise from rank and file Republicans.  Congressman John Katko, of New York’s 24th district, emerged from hiding today to express his support of the plan.  “This revolutionary plan finally gives the American people the choices they deserve in healthcare.  They can buy a ticket a week, or all at once.  They can buy Lotto or scratch offs of many varieties.  Why in New York State alone, there are Lucky 7’s , Triple Triplers, Double Dollars, Spicy 1s and let’s not even get into the premium stuff, like Win For Life. And,” he added, before disappearing into his undisclosed location, “there’s always the Powerball.”

Under Ryan’s new plan, the opportunities for care do not extend to the lottery only.  Every physician office and emergency room in the country would be required, at no cost to the taxpayer, to install slot machines in their waiting room areas.  According to Ryan “Any patient, with enough patience and enough quarters, can have access to the care they need.”  In collaboration with House allies from California, Ryan has already begun sketching out plans for a new game show, tentatively titled “Who wants to get Chemotherapy?”  “The ad revenue alone,” says Ryan, “will significantly aid in the reduction of our national debt.”

Asked about the moral implications of promoting gambling, Ryan was particularly direct.  “Gambling can, of course, have tragic effects on individuals and families.  We do not wish to encourage such behavior. Having said that, however, there is very little downside here.  This is a taxpayer funded program. You will be, quite literally, gambling with other people’s money.  Like investment bankers.”

When reminded of the seven states in the US, that do not have a lottery, Ryan responded “Under this new legislation, we will allow gambling across state lines.  It allows for greater competition and will grant the consumer the opportunity to choose the speculative lifesaving product that works best for them.”

When asked if this new legislation would only introduce more uncertainty into an already uncertain market, Ryan was candid.  “Look,” he said, “all that we want to do is give every average American the same chance to succeed in this economy.  Currently that chance is about 14 million to one.”

 

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Trump: “No Evidence That Russia Exists”

The White House today pushed back, forcefully, on  FBI Director James B. Comey’s claims of an ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian agents during the 2016 Presidential Campaign.  In a stunning refutation of Comey’s testimony, which the FBI director delivered in an open session before the House Intelligence Committee, the President claimed that he could prove Comey was lying because the foreign power under investigation, Russia, does not exist.

“Comey lied, and I can prove it!”  The President tweeted.  “No evidence that Russia exists.  It’s just not there.  No such place. Fake news!”  He followed this, moments later, with “So called ‘Russia’  made up by Democrats to cover for their terrible loss.   Supposed to win but lost!  Sad!”

When asked for clarification, press secretary Sean Spicer said “The President has spoken on this and I think he has been perfectly clear.  The justice department investigation is entirely spurious as it based on a false premise. There can have been no collusion with Russia because, and this is important, there is no Russia.”

When asked whether the President was seriously denying the existence of the largest country, by land mass, on the planet, Spicer became visibly agitated.  “All I can tell you is this.  The President has access to far better intelligence and information than you or I, and that is how it should be.  The President assures me, and I have no reason to doubt him, that this supposed country, which stretches from Finland to the Bering Sea and occupies one eighth of the inhabited land mass of the planet, is nothing more than a barren wasteland.  It is, in fact, a deserted, lifeless region home only to ferile nomadic peoples, 3 to 5 million of whom were recently shipped to America to boost Mrs. Clinton’s popular vote tally.”

Spicer then abruptly yielded the podium to the, newly minted, secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, present to unveil a “new and improved” world map, pictured below, which will be rolled out to all public schools this fall.  It notably, does not feature Russia.

In response to these latest, eye raising claims, presidential counselor Kellyanne Conway took to the airwaves, appearing on NBC’s “Today.”  “I don’t think the President was saying that Russia definitely isn’t there, he just meant that there is no reason to believe it is there.  I mean why should we believe it just because the crooked media tells us it’s so?  I’ve never actually seen it. Have you?” When reminded that Matt Lauer had, in fact, hosted coverage of the 2014  Sochi Olympics in Russia, Conway responded by saying “La, la, la, I can’t hear you! ” and reflexively began endorsing Ivanka Trump products.

President Trump has searched far and wide for support of his new assertion but, thus far, help has been hard to come by.  Though reports of the “Russham” have been growing in frequency on Fox News, it was largely left to former Alaska Governor, Sarah Palin to support the President’s claims.  “Ya know, I marched right out to my backyard and took a good look,” she said, “and, guess what? I couldn’t see Russia anywhere.”

 

 

My Triumphant Return (25 Years Too Late.)

They say you can’t go home again.  While this may be a surprise to anyone who has ever spent some time living out of mom’s basement (and who hasn’t?), it is generally considered a truism.  Like many truisms, it is also obviously untrue on its face.  Of course you can go home, unless the place has been swallowed by a sinkhole or had a mall built over it.  I mean, the place is probably still there right? You just might not be welcome anymore.  That can lead to some nasty business involving guard dogs and restraining orders, generally ruining your memorial day weekend.  But I digress.

The point of the saying is, I guess, that places may not change, but people do.  Still, I wonder if even that is true?  I had the opportunity to put this to the test the other night, when I gave a theatrical performance at my old Alma Mater, Ithaca College.  Just about a month shy of 25 years after my graduation, I found myself performing on the same stage where I, as a youth, had seen so many musicians, comedians and performers ply their trade a quarter century ago.  While I like to think I acquitted myself nicely and put on a show that was, arguably, funnier than that of some comedians I witnessed in that space, it was, indeed, a strange homecoming.

When last I had been in that room I was a young man, a boy really, full of wild dreams and bursting with ambition. Now I was a man (or at least a manchild) creeping up on 50, looking out at a world that once was and pondering the thousands of days and tens of thousands of decisions, that turned that boy into me.

I did not feel the way I expected to.  I had thought, frankly, that this would be just another show.  Another night in a role I had played 50 times or more. The easiest thing in the world.  Instead, it was a night full of ghosts.  Shadows of friendships neglected or forgotten.  Phantoms of campus romances long since fizzled.  A sudden longing for a Rogan’s pizza (I recommend getting pepperoni and black olive.  Tastes great and nobody ever tries to steal a slice because of the black olives) or a trip to the commons.

But chief among these specters, these remnants of the past, was that of me.  A dirt poor kid, who never had anything to rely on except brains and raw talent, suddenly let loose into a larger world.  A kid who was gonna make movies the whole world would want to see.  A skinny, gangly, youth who knew, even when times were dark, that his inspiration would never fail him.  That there would always be another character, another line of dialogue, another fresh perspective on the world.  A young man who could crank out a thirty page script in a five hour, Mountain Dew fueled, frenzy of typing and find that it needed little or no editing.  The same kid who is now struggling to grind out these few paragraphs.

I was unstoppable then, and yet, somehow, I was stopped. I don’t really know why that is.  The unfailing inspiration failed, I guess. I never did any of those things I thought would come so easy.  I didn’t reinvent the world of cinema and I have yet to see my name up on shining marquees.  I almost certainly will not retire to riches untold and universal acclaim.  My legacy will be somewhat different. But, looking back, I have done some work that I am proud of and I hope to do more.

They say you can’t go home again but I don’t believe that is true.  For that young man, who shares my headspace, Ithaca College was as much of a home as any place he had ever known.  What I found out upon my “triumphant” return was that it still felt like home.  I have a new home now, full of those that I love, and that is as it should be, or else my life would truly have been a failure.  But there is a power in a place where you first came to know yourself, and that power persists through the long years.  The other night, when I stepped out of the van onto that campus, I felt the same thing I felt when I was 18 years old and first looked out from the hilltop over that unmatched view of Cayuga lake.  A sense of wonder and possibility and of serenity as well.  And, for a while, he was with me again, that confident and unstoppable youth I have spent so much of my adult life trying to find.  For I know that he is still in me, somewhere, and still has much to offer.  This trip down memory lane, though melancholy, served to remind me how close he truly is.

So, I say you can go home, and you should as often as possible.  Unless there is a restraining order.  Then you might want to skip it.